I still haven't read the "Satanic Verses"

The Moral Courage Conversations: Salman Rushdie and Irshad Manji.

I went to this lecture tonight and heard a few things that really moved me. Rushdie is extremely intelligent, he is witty and amuses his audience with jokes that are there to prove a point. He is articulate and combined with Irshad Manji's clever questions the night was overall very entertaining and interesting.

At one point Rushdie said that 'we are the story telling animal and there is something very important in telling ourselves the story of ourselves.' I like this idea because it's true, we examine ourselves and improve upon our society and our world. There is something immensely pleasurable about the gift of a story. I envy those who have the right words to reach into their reader and get the exact emotion they desired.

At the end of the lecture Manji said that before her book came out she asked Rushdie if she was crazy. And he told her that a book is more important than her life. He wasn't joking. His explanation was that when a writer puts down a thought, he can get intense, vehement and even violent disagreement but that thought can not be unthought. It has been put out there and can't be taken away. That is the gift of the writer. I think that's pretty amazing.

Haule Haule

Thinking of you makes me smile these days...I don't think it's ever really been like this. Strange what age does huh? I know it ebbs and flows within me making it complex and not always satisfying but you never protest. I love how you told me to write, you tease...always...but you encourage me at the same time, pushing and prodding. You are probably the sweetest person I know. Comforting blue like the ring on my finger. Someday I will have a dog named Aloo Gobi and eat chapatis with ghee and sugar everyday for breakfast. Almond milk isn't as bad as I thought it would be, I like the chunky bits at the bottom. The bells on my wrist jingle, reminding me that Dil To Pagal Hai. Remember when that song came on the radio and we sang along? That scene is so hott when Shahrukh tells Madhuri to come closer until she spins and his lips brush her shoulder. Oh Bollywood seduction...

Comforting Blue

Lately I have been re-watching episodes of Sex and the City to get me excited about finally being here. I love the fact that I started watching the show when I was only ten, never realizing that I would someday be here, ten years later, understanding more and more of what a single 20 minute episode can mean.

I spent three hours at the four story Barnes and Noble in Union Square today. There's something nice about hopping on the subway and just going wherever you want to be all by yourself. But then, sometimes, late at night when you find yourself in bed with nothing but your thoughts of weeks ahead, the isolation suddenly isn't as comforting.

I'm not much of a city girl. I like trees and open sky where you can see every single star shining down at you. But at the same time, there is that point in the evening when the sky turns a deep blue, just before dark and I realize it's the same color no matter where you are. Another kind of comfort I guess. I know I can do this, I always adapt and survive. But maybe I really can live these next few months and be ok with the hustle and bustle, as long as that blue is there at the end of each day.

NYC

I don't think I'm ready for this. Starting over, once again. I'm tired of this life and the people that fill it endlessly stressing what I can and can't deal with. I keep seeing new signs that punch me in the stomach, knocking out my air, leaving me gasping for breath that can't cleanse the ache away. Why does this happen, over and over again. Endings. Beginnings. For some reason I just can't appreciate either one at the moment. I want to curl up in a ball and hum lullabies until I sing myself to sleep. I'm not afraid of the new, I can be nervous and curious and excited. But currently I am none of those things. I am just lonely. The stereotypical small town girl stuck in the big city.

Amar Prem

For so long you've always been there. It's funny how he went and then you appeared one day and you still haven't left. I worry that you will but you tell me that if I'm lonely you will come and if I need you then you will never fail to be my shoulder to lean on. Year after year and I still don't know you as well as I would like. In some ways we are like strangers, and yet from the first there was a recognition. Maybe you were there before and so you've come again. Will you be there next time as well?

I grow tired of foolish heartbreak and I wonder if things were simple, how simple they would be...for you...for me? I love your hands you know, gentle or harsh but beautiful. It's funny because she told him he had the most beautiful wrists she had ever seen, well you have beautiful wrists too. I could circle over that bumpy bone in an oval with my thumb and middle finger coming together in a complete whole.

I love to run my fingers through your hair, silky and sleek. Lay your head on my lap and we can sit for hours caring in silence. You once told me you would die sooner than I could stand, you can't because I need you. I know it's not much or often and it's unfair but if you are happy then I will be happy for you. You deserve it.

This time I thought about it because I've been wanting for a while. How perfect a heartbeat, with another lying quietly beneath.

But I am, as always, unsure. Maybe it will be and maybe it won't but I'm still so glad we have what we have.

Off to the Big City

Well I leave for new york tomorrow. My next step, I hope it's a good one. I feel like break has just flown by so fast and yet I'm still not ready for it all again. I think I'm getting to that point where you're tired of school which usually only happens to me at the end of the semester and then I get over it after about a month or so. This time that did not happen. Oh well, one more year and I'll be almost out of the bubble...scary thought but unavoidable. I just hope this is right. I want it all to help me find it but I'm scared I won't.

Happy 2009!

How I spent my New Years Eve