Overwhelmed

Ahhhhhhhhh everything is happening all at once! Spring break was nice but coming back I'm just being clobbered with work. I realized that I needed to figure out what is happening for senior project next year and I emailed the head of the writing department since I want to do a creative senior project. She replied telling me to send her my proposal tomorrow because decisions are being made on WEDNESDAY! Good thing I found out, otherwise I would have been totally screwed. Also I am trying to figure out what's happening this summer, I really need to hear back from someone about internships. Hopefully something comes through sooner rather than later. And I have so much other work to do for my classes, it's insane. This week has sure started off with a bang...

Under Pressure

I've noticed that I have a tendency to push and push until my relationships with people break under the pressure. I try to get people to prove themselves to me over and over again. It is like I want to be right every time and it is a kind of satisfaction when I am. But secretly I'm hoping that this time, this one won't give in and it will last through everything. Like I said, drawn out until all that's left is shattered moments. I'm good at that, I know it will happen and I just have to be around to see when it does. I don't even know what I want but it is as though if someone else can know then I can make up my mind around that. It's silly, it's like a game and I always win but the prize isn't all that great. It's funny how things work out. I wonder what comes out of it all, what was the point? what was the purpose of it all? I guess I just need things to make sense. I like closure and clear endings. It's like a cleansing fire, burning out everything so that what grows next will be healthy and strong.

Scent and Memory

My mom got some of my grandmother's jewelry out of our safety deposit box today. We sorted through the rings and watches and bracelets remembering or in my case wondering about each piece. My mom gave me two of the rings to take back to college with me and as I brought my hands to my face I could smell her, even after all of these years. My grandmothers scent used to permeate everything around her, when she came to visit, the bottom floor of our house would reek of perfume and make-up in the best possible way. I loved it. Today I could smell her on my hands, face powder and Taboo teasing memories from my mind. I wish she could be here to see it all.

Spring Break '09

I had a conversation with someone from HRF this morning, she said she would send my CV and cover letters along to the respective departments so that sounds positive. I'm not sure when I will hear from CFR but hopefully I can go in for an interview sometime soon. This summer is going to be so great! I can already feel everything falling into place.

Yesterday I went and saw I love you, man with Rosie and Edith. It was really funny. We then made dinner at Rosie's house and watched She's the Man (so good). I also made Zucchini muffins, which I hadn't done before, they turned out pretty good.

I can't believe how fast spring break has flown by. I leave in two days back to the city. Then comes the onslaught of midterms and finals, ugh. It's so nice here, sunny and warm and beautiful. It still feels like home but it will be good to go back.

Quick Fix

I'm worried that I'm going to fall backwards. I worry he is unhappy and so he is missing me and turning to me like he always does. But once happiness returns I will lose him all over again. I'm afraid that he sees me as a quick fix but I know I'm not. We need to be happy on our own and maybe when that happens he won't want me anymore and then I will know it was right.

Control Freak

I actually had a nightmare last night. I woke up this morning sick and hurt and afraid. It wasn't a monster dream, just a representation of what could happen in my life. Rosie is right I am reliving the past too much, it's happening all over again and I know how this story ends so why am I hoping it will be different this time? I have no idea. Time heals though, or it's supposed to when incorporated properly. I think I've read the directions wrong and keep putting it all together so that it looks ok but is secretly missing a few screws. I need to control myself and focus because mistakes are definitely not moving this along. I just feel like I'm going in circles over and over again. I suppose that is my fault because I keep pushing the issue, I can't let it rest. My ongoing desire for closure always drags things out and then I end up without closure with a lot of shattered moments behind me. I know. I'm a real winner. I feel like all the pieces are starting to come together, there is a glimmer of it, of what could be and I like it. Everything fits except for one thing, the broken bit at the side that I think I can fix but would be better off if I just left it out altogether. What am I doing? I've been told I'm ignoring it...maybe I am but last week I felt good. I felt like I was really getting things to work for the first time in a long time. I hate how every time I feel that way lately, I'm wrong. Sometimes I wish I could be the way I used to be when all I had was myself. Sure it hurts but you get used to it and its nice to go home and read book after book and enjoy the imagined worlds of others. It is a comfort, a savior. Of course I am grateful for my friends, I love them all, each and every one. But sometimes it just hits me that all I have, and will ever truly have, is myself. I wrote a while back that I didn't think I had much love left in me. Maybe I'm afraid I won't be able to do this again? That's ridiculous though because I've come back from it all before, a couple of times actually, so I can. So maybe, I am just afraid. Ugh talk about emo...

आईटी इस अल्मोस्त स्प्रिंग ब्रेक!

"It is almost Spring Break!"

Last night I went to Molly Wizenberg's book signing for A Homemade Life. It was so great to hear her in person. She read the chapter "Summer of Change" and it was just really moving because in a way I definitely identified with her. Although her real "what am I doing with my life?" dilemma seemed to hit her later on and I seem to be experiencing that now but I can understand her being in Paris and being happy and lonely and unsure and being ok with that. Because that is how I feel except I happen to be in New York eating cheap food rather than in Paris eating beautiful food.

CFR called me to schedule a phone interview. It is tomorrow at 10am. I hope it goes well, it would be really great to finally know what I'm doing for the summer.

Mom and I leave for home tomorrow, I can't wait to get out of here for a bit.

[I don't know why my title is in Hindi but I can't seem to change it...]

Loneliness Ending

Do you ever read something and have each word pull at your being?
Does your heart just ache with it all? Sometimes I fall in love with an
authors way with words and yearn to recreate that feeling. I think
that is what love is, it's an ache that you don't mind having because
it makes you feel so good. I know it doesn't make any sense but
seriously I have a longing for that deep ache, coated with honey, that
comforts while occasionally causing your throat to close up with the
weight of tears held back. I don't know. 'that was loneliness' I want
'this was loneliness ending.'

I wonder if people "kiss" these trains

Jacaranda

Limpopo River

Scrabble with Rosie

Home

Cross-country God

Bardian Winter

Restless

It is that time of night, when if I stay up late enough, I want to talk for hours on end. I always seem to get to this point where if asked I would just let it all out, everything that is on my mind. The words bubble up but they don't quite brim over. So I end up tossing and turning until finally sleep takes me and in the morning my restless night is a vague memory.

Busy Bee

Ahhhhhh my reporting professor gives us so much work. I have a 2,200 word article due next week and I'm freaking out about how to write it. I saw Archbishop Desmond Tutu speak last night at this beautiful (Riverside) church and it was really great to hear him talk about abolishing capital punishment in America. I'm also going to a book signing for Molly Wizenburg who writes the awesome blog Orangette, next Wednesday and I can't wait. Her book looks really amazing. I read the intro on Amazon.com and it was sooooooo good. D is coming to the city this weekend, I told him I wouldn't bail this time so it will be nice to chill. And I'm going to see the Upright Citizens Brigade on Sunday. Busy busy week. My mom comes back to the city on Wednesday and we leave for home on Friday. Spring Break is screaming my name and I can't wait to be free of this place for a little while. I need to clear my head, home is the perfect place to do it.

Love 2006

You speak words of love
And I don't comprehend the meaning
You say you're fast and reckless
And that you love me for what I am and am not
But I wonder when the love will fade
Because it always does
You worship what we had
While I look forward for new adventures
You say I am your drug
But then what is mine?
Because I know that you are not the fix I need
Or maybe you are and I just don't know yet
I don't know myself
And I know that I am tempted by so much more
I don't want to hurt you or me
But I know it always happens even when I start to believe
That we could last forever
Then the boredom sets in and I see the end
Coming closer and closer until it is time
I cut you off before you speak so I can let the words out
I vomit out the searing comments
We are done and over with
Until you come back and want more
Again you crave what I have to give
But can I give it to you again?
You say we can work
And I cringe at your hope
Feeling that it can't work
Maybe I do shoot things down too fast
To protect myself and others
Who knows?
I will try
Really I will
But please please
Free me, don't clip my wings
I will fly and come home when it is time
Though don't expect that home to be you
Because I always hoped that home would be in me
I crave to be self-sufficient
I also crave a shoulder to lean on
I know I am confusing
It's amazing that you can deal with it
You know me so well
And you read me more than I want sometimes
You have kept me safe and stable
I hope you are by my side in some way or another
Forever…for eternity

Radha Krishna

"Of course, he would know, he knew me better than I knew myself. His arm came around and pulled me close to his body, his heat seeped through the back of my shirt warming me to my core. I’m not sure when, but I eventually fell asleep in his familiar embrace, finally at peace, at least for a little while." -COTS

Purple Elephants

the rest can come later

It sucks when you realize that something you thought was over and done with is still lingering. You find that a tiny instant can trigger a memory and you're suddenly back to square one, extremely irritated.

I am happy here, I know I keep saying that but it's nice for a change, I walk down the street some days listening to my ipod and I'm just filled with such glee. I love my reporting class, my friends are cool people, the city holds so much potential for each and every day and yet I think Rosie is right. I allow myself to get caught up in the drama and the ridiculous details and they bring me down. I get wrapped up in what other people think and it crushes my good mood.

I am doing all that I can and hopefully I will bump into what I'm looking for one of these days but it's not about the people, it's about me and what my mind craves. Sure it would be nice to meet the right person and know that you're going to spend the rest of your life with them. I am a big romantic when it comes down to it all and I'm not into the random dating and the shit in between. I am into forever. I'm amused by the small stuff and at my age it's fun because I don't want a relationship now. But Rosie has a point, so I'm going to be more careful from now on.

I'm searching for my mental passion. The rest can come later.

Wishing It Would All Make Sense

I'm frustrated. With myself, with others assuming things about me, and with just not knowing where I'm headed. The city has pulled me in and while I haven't fallen in love I am enjoying the fling of it all.

On the academic front I'm really enjoying my International Reporting class. I feel like I'm not even taking any other classes because I always seem to be doing work for just that one.

On friday I went to Jackson Heights (Little India) to interview people about Slumdog Millionaire I ended up meeting some interesting people, and I left with great eyebrows and a full stomach. The threading was painful but the food was good and I brought home some Gulab Jamun which kept me satisfied over the weekend.

I also went and saw Rachel Getting Married on Saturday with my friend Chris. We both thought it was good but we weren't sure if we really liked it, I'm still not sure but I did enjoy watching it.

Sunday I hung out with my friend Jennifer. We ate thai food, not nearly as good as Rosies, walked around 5th Ave and then ate cake at Buttercup. It was a very fun girly day.

It snowed today and class was canceled, which was nice. The free time gave me a chance to do laundry and relax. I was kind of bummed out though because Mondays is the day I have reporting and now I'm going to be slightly lost when it comes time to do this weeks assignment. We're studying magazine writing this week which is interesting. One of the pieces we had to read was from The New Yorker. It is titled Betrayed by George Packer. Here's the link if you're interested:
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2007/03/26/070326fa_fact_packer

My mom comes to visit next week and then it's Spring Break. I can't believe how fast time is flying by.