It finally feels like winter here, today was the first snowfall of the season and my feet are frozen! That's what I get for wearing vans in the snow.
Two weeks left of school and I'm pulling at the bit to get out of here. I still have a bunch of work to do but I know i'll get through it as always. My birthday is in a week and a half, I'm finally going to be 21! Unfortunately because it's on a tuesday and it's during the last week of school I won't get to celebrate much but Rosie is having a party for me when I get home so I won't miss out :)
I'm applying for a paid internship at Mother Jones magazine for after graduation. It's pretty intimidating but if I get it I will be in San Francisco, which would be wonderful. First semester of senior year is almost over, eek!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
What happens if you meet the person you're meant to be with and you don't know it, or you're not sure? What if you meet that person and it's just the wrong time and by the time it's right they're gone? Does that mean you've lost your chance, lost the person you were meant to be with or does that mean they were never the person for you in the first place?
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
UN and so much more
Life has been pretty crazy lately. Through one of my professors at BGIA I got to go volunteer with the Media Unit at the UN for the opening of the GA. I got there Monday afternoon, settled in at Harriet's, went to dinner with Genia and then woke up bright and early for work on Tuesday. I was fortunate to get the role of CNN escort so I ran around taking the different crews to the GA booths and the delegates entrance. I got to see Obama, Ahmadinejad, Zuma, the presidents of China and Russia. The president of Panama winked at me when he came in for an interview at CNN, he's really into baseball haha. I also shook hands with the PM of New Zealand, he was very nice. I got to see Obama, Chavez and Ahmadinejad make their speeches in the GA. It was an insane experience. I worked 10-13hrs Tuesday-Friday.
Yuting came down on Thursday and then she went shopping on Friday. We went out to dinner at a really good Italian restaurant where we had the most amazing vanilla bean Panna Cotta.
Everyone was really nice at CNN and Richard Roth gave me his card and told me to stay in touch. It's kind of unreal that I was able to do all of that but I made some good connections and had a great time.
Now it's back at school, project and novella are driving me crazy but I think I'm starting to figure out where I'm going with both so it's exciting too. This coming weekend is Fall Break which will be nice. Maybe I'll actually get some work done.
Life has been pretty crazy lately. Through one of my professors at BGIA I got to go volunteer with the Media Unit at the UN for the opening of the GA. I got there Monday afternoon, settled in at Harriet's, went to dinner with Genia and then woke up bright and early for work on Tuesday. I was fortunate to get the role of CNN escort so I ran around taking the different crews to the GA booths and the delegates entrance. I got to see Obama, Ahmadinejad, Zuma, the presidents of China and Russia. The president of Panama winked at me when he came in for an interview at CNN, he's really into baseball haha. I also shook hands with the PM of New Zealand, he was very nice. I got to see Obama, Chavez and Ahmadinejad make their speeches in the GA. It was an insane experience. I worked 10-13hrs Tuesday-Friday.
Yuting came down on Thursday and then she went shopping on Friday. We went out to dinner at a really good Italian restaurant where we had the most amazing vanilla bean Panna Cotta.
Everyone was really nice at CNN and Richard Roth gave me his card and told me to stay in touch. It's kind of unreal that I was able to do all of that but I made some good connections and had a great time.
Now it's back at school, project and novella are driving me crazy but I think I'm starting to figure out where I'm going with both so it's exciting too. This coming weekend is Fall Break which will be nice. Maybe I'll actually get some work done.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Ajay and Lalita (for Novella)
I was only six the day Ajay came to live with us. His parents were killed during a missile attack on his village and my father had been named his guardian. Ajay was ten at the time and very quiet. His eyes, a surprising hazel, were filled with the pain and horror of recent events but when my father introduced us he let me hold his hand in comfort and I knew, even then, that he needed me as much as I needed him. My mother’s body was weak and my birth had damaged her beyond repair. Where most families had three or more children my family only had me and my life so far had been a lonely one. Ajay with his solemn presence filled a hole in our family and we quickly welcomed him into our home almost forgetting that we had had a life before him and forgetting the past that, unknown to us, continued to be his present.
Maze
I wonder where it all went, all that emotion and beauty and sweetness. It has been replaced by a bitter taste and fiery anger. The bruise on my arm is still tender, a half circle signaling a piece of the never ending argument that is taking place even in silence.
Indecisiveness has ruined it, all of it. I wish we could start anew, friends, no catty verbal slaps and grudges. I wish I hadn't been a step behind at every corner. I wish we had been on the same page. Instead claustrophobia set in, terrifying questions were posed and I pushed you away a day at a time. I know how it happened and yet I still find myself asking the question.
The maze is so complex now, there is no way to find a path back, there is only the road ahead.
Indecisiveness has ruined it, all of it. I wish we could start anew, friends, no catty verbal slaps and grudges. I wish I hadn't been a step behind at every corner. I wish we had been on the same page. Instead claustrophobia set in, terrifying questions were posed and I pushed you away a day at a time. I know how it happened and yet I still find myself asking the question.
The maze is so complex now, there is no way to find a path back, there is only the road ahead.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Update
Sorry it's been so long. After BGIA ended I spent a week at my mom's friend's apartment, it was amazing. I got to relax and have a ton of time to myself before heading home for three weeks. My time at home was great too, it was just what summer is supposed to be. I watched a ton of TV, wrote my essay for Tom Parker, ate all of my favorite foods (gained a few pounds in the process haha) and saw my friends. It went by far to quickly. Before leaving, mom and I went to eat at Delancey in Seattle, Orangette's new restaurant, it was delicious.
Once I got to Bard, PC training began right away but it turned out to be a lot better than I had thought it would be :)
Now my first week of Senior year is already over and I'm still floundering a bit, figuring out classes, terrified by senior project, but happy. I know I'm going to keep saying this over and over but I can't believe I'm a senior. One year and then the bubble I've been living in for four years disappears, real life here I come, eek!
I can't take the Ulysses history class cause I just don't have enough time and Poetry and Society is boring but I'm still in Novella, and Photo, History and the News. Senior Project of course and hopefully Mark Danner's literature class. I will see on Tuesday. Working at DOSO is really great. I'm also now on the fundraising committee for the Senior class but I think it's all going to be awesome. Seeing Yuting again is wonderful, I missed her a lot. Life is good!
Once I got to Bard, PC training began right away but it turned out to be a lot better than I had thought it would be :)
Now my first week of Senior year is already over and I'm still floundering a bit, figuring out classes, terrified by senior project, but happy. I know I'm going to keep saying this over and over but I can't believe I'm a senior. One year and then the bubble I've been living in for four years disappears, real life here I come, eek!
I can't take the Ulysses history class cause I just don't have enough time and Poetry and Society is boring but I'm still in Novella, and Photo, History and the News. Senior Project of course and hopefully Mark Danner's literature class. I will see on Tuesday. Working at DOSO is really great. I'm also now on the fundraising committee for the Senior class but I think it's all going to be awesome. Seeing Yuting again is wonderful, I missed her a lot. Life is good!
Friday, July 24, 2009
सवोरिंग सुम्मेर
Well today is my last day at HRF and the end of BGIA Summer 2009. I turned in my Core essay yesterday and my other one is due next Friday. I move out of the Y tomorrow and will be staying in my mom's college roommate's house for the next week, I'm really looking forward to it. I can't believe how fast it's all gone by. In four weeks I will be back at Bard and on my way to Senior year, talk about scary. Life is good besides a few bumps here and there. I'm reading The Sum of our Days by Isabel Allende, I love how funny and honest she is. Well I suppose that's my little update for now. Time to savor the rest of my summer and I'll leave you with a quote:
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. -Kahlil Gibran
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. -Kahlil Gibran
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Darshan
by:Irene Black
Alone, we two
travel dust-layered
along the unfamiliar road.
How long?
An hour maybe, a day? Who knows, who cares?
Visions of temples, dark, inscrutable,
flicker and fade away,
time-shimmered into obscurity.
Here is no town, no habitation,
only the silent calm of reapers in distant fields,
and the lame bucking of black, bristled swine,
pincered by the thorny talons
of satin-suited crows.
Two grizzled buffalo, horns
resting like folded wings
graze in a grass-damp ditch;
while on a tarmac-flattened patch of road
a woman in a purple sari
sifts golden ragi, newly-threshed
beneath unwitting tyres.
At last the fields lie bare; their honey spilled.
Air flecked with powdered gold;
with slow applauding hoof beats and protesting squeals
of wooden cartwheels passing close;
with the sweet breath of karma-laden oxen
bearing the harvest home.
The undiscovered gods wait in the temple.
Let them stay hidden in dark places.
Clothed in golden glances
we two are divine
*Just a poem I found online that I happened to like
by:Irene Black
Alone, we two
travel dust-layered
along the unfamiliar road.
How long?
An hour maybe, a day? Who knows, who cares?
Visions of temples, dark, inscrutable,
flicker and fade away,
time-shimmered into obscurity.
Here is no town, no habitation,
only the silent calm of reapers in distant fields,
and the lame bucking of black, bristled swine,
pincered by the thorny talons
of satin-suited crows.
Two grizzled buffalo, horns
resting like folded wings
graze in a grass-damp ditch;
while on a tarmac-flattened patch of road
a woman in a purple sari
sifts golden ragi, newly-threshed
beneath unwitting tyres.
At last the fields lie bare; their honey spilled.
Air flecked with powdered gold;
with slow applauding hoof beats and protesting squeals
of wooden cartwheels passing close;
with the sweet breath of karma-laden oxen
bearing the harvest home.
The undiscovered gods wait in the temple.
Let them stay hidden in dark places.
Clothed in golden glances
we two are divine
*Just a poem I found online that I happened to like
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Ok so I know this isn't going to happen for at least five years but I think I want to go to Mackinac island for my honeymoon. I went there when I was younger, motorized vehicals aren't allowed and it's only an 8 mile walk around the whole island or something tiny like that. It's amazing! There's fudge on every block, cute hotels, horses and bikes. The perfect place to get away and really do whatever you want! Or I'll just go somewhere exotic but if I end up staying the United States for the occasion, Mackinac it is :)
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Busy Busy Busy Fun
Last week was:
Idealist Grad Fair
The 39 Steps
Webster Hall
Up!
This week is:
The Hangover
Staten Island Yankees
Iran Rally
Transformers
Pride Parade with HRF
Idealist Grad Fair
The 39 Steps
Webster Hall
Up!
This week is:
The Hangover
Staten Island Yankees
Iran Rally
Transformers
Pride Parade with HRF
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Something Important
I feel like I've lost it. No, I don't mean my mind. Just...something. Something important. I'm not as into this summer as I thought I would be. I'm pretty happy and I still really like the city. HRF is fine and my classes are good, I really like Tom Parker who teaches my class about terrorism but I kind of feel like I'm waiting for senior year. Like this is all just something to pass the time until September. And at the same time, the thought of senior year kind of terrifies me. I like to know what I'm doing and what's next to a certain extent and after graduation...well it's all wide open. I know that's amazing and exciting but it also really worries me.
It's not even about graduation though, I'm also trying to figure out what I should do for Senior Project, how I'm going to go about writing my novella and get good grades and necessary credits and survive my social life. From what I've heard everyone goes insane senior year and I just hope my friends and I survive heh.
Oh well, in the meantime I guess I'll just look forward to the little things.
It's not even about graduation though, I'm also trying to figure out what I should do for Senior Project, how I'm going to go about writing my novella and get good grades and necessary credits and survive my social life. From what I've heard everyone goes insane senior year and I just hope my friends and I survive heh.
Oh well, in the meantime I guess I'll just look forward to the little things.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Rishikesh/Musoorie
There's a giant Shiva carved in stone sitting on the water. The chanting is loud and deep, young monks sit in maroon and gold. I'm warmed by the feeling of it all, spirit, mind, body. The sunset glows orange to blue and the stone is cool beneath my bare feet. I wrap tiny sandlewood around my wrist and ask him to close it. Hands are light as they connect the clasp. Stray dogs sit calmly nearby next to empty chai cups and half eaten newspaper. Cows seem to surround the constantly moving crowds. Masala papaad is too spicy but fried is greasy and delicious. Mornings are cold and the phone is loud when it rings. "sleeping time." I hang up but feel restless. The winding roads scare my mother. I find them thrilling. If he loses control of the wheel we could die but instead we just speed around corners and the wind blows back my hair. We stop at the river and I collect a few stones. The water is icy cold and I slip on the moss covered stones. The rapids are shallow but fast and in some places the water is a clear deep blue. The rock in my hand sparkles as it dries in the heat. I have sand between my toes and my mom takes a picture as i sit wiping away the grains before putting my socks and shoes back on. The music is loud as I get back in the car. The wind is cool against my face and my mind goes silent as I listen to the lyrics and watch the mountains blur.
There's a giant Shiva carved in stone sitting on the water. The chanting is loud and deep, young monks sit in maroon and gold. I'm warmed by the feeling of it all, spirit, mind, body. The sunset glows orange to blue and the stone is cool beneath my bare feet. I wrap tiny sandlewood around my wrist and ask him to close it. Hands are light as they connect the clasp. Stray dogs sit calmly nearby next to empty chai cups and half eaten newspaper. Cows seem to surround the constantly moving crowds. Masala papaad is too spicy but fried is greasy and delicious. Mornings are cold and the phone is loud when it rings. "sleeping time." I hang up but feel restless. The winding roads scare my mother. I find them thrilling. If he loses control of the wheel we could die but instead we just speed around corners and the wind blows back my hair. We stop at the river and I collect a few stones. The water is icy cold and I slip on the moss covered stones. The rapids are shallow but fast and in some places the water is a clear deep blue. The rock in my hand sparkles as it dries in the heat. I have sand between my toes and my mom takes a picture as i sit wiping away the grains before putting my socks and shoes back on. The music is loud as I get back in the car. The wind is cool against my face and my mind goes silent as I listen to the lyrics and watch the mountains blur.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Summer Program Begins
I just had orientation for the Summer program. I think it's going to be great! Everyone seems really nice and having friends already in the program makes it even better. Ahhh I can't believe how fast my "free" time went! My mama is coming tomorrow and we are going to the book convention and hanging out for the weekend. I think we're going to MOMA and there's a photo exhibit I want to see.
So much to do, so little time. I know it's gonna fly by. Senior year is already sucking up my air only to leave me gasping, breathless, terrified, and excited. What will I do? What will I be? A year from now I will have accomplished what now seems to be the impossible.
Well the next 8 weeks are going to be crazy and hopefully amazing. The city sure seems to be pulling me in, sometimes I wonder if I'll end up back here after I graduate.
So much to do, so little time. I know it's gonna fly by. Senior year is already sucking up my air only to leave me gasping, breathless, terrified, and excited. What will I do? What will I be? A year from now I will have accomplished what now seems to be the impossible.
Well the next 8 weeks are going to be crazy and hopefully amazing. The city sure seems to be pulling me in, sometimes I wonder if I'll end up back here after I graduate.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Jumbled Pieces of Dreams
I've been having really strange dreams lately. It's like my entire life combined into random jumbled pieces in my mind. Last night I had a dream about a horse and a family owning a ranch but they were traveling merchants or something and it seemed very complicated and then A and his family was there, who knows why. The horse was like Onyx, big, black, and her coat was so shiny and clean. I miss her. I miss velvet noses and the smell of a barn and the smooth motion of a horse. It's been a long time. Well...someday.
Anyway I have today pretty free so I'm going to go explore a bit.
Anyway I have today pretty free so I'm going to go explore a bit.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Something to Remember
"Looking forward is good, but can make you fuck up now."
"They all have their dreams, but the necessity to be in the moment can distract from that."
- Linecook
"They all have their dreams, but the necessity to be in the moment can distract from that."
- Linecook
Cracks in Progress
I should feel happy and free right now but instead I feel weighed down and stuck. This summer will be good, I know it but right now I just don't have any enthusiasm. Maybe it's too much jumping from one thing to the next to the next. I don't think I should stay after my program ends. I think I should go home and have a break. Because senior year is going to kill me and if I don't have time I'm afraid I will break. This semester has been full of cracks and I'm hoping that the summer will mend them but if not, if things keep going the way they are I might break under it all. So I need to not think about it all anymore and just be free for a while and really feel that way. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but hopefully I will feel that way soon.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Endings and Beginnings all over again
Well I finally had my IR exam and now it's over, thank goodness. Also saw Jaqueline Novogratz tonight, wasn't very impressed. And then we had a little graduation, I got a spiffy certificate and sushi and wine. All that's left is my IR essay and then I'm free for a few days. Next week my mom is coming and we get to go to the book convention, I'm excited! I need a haircut...
Life is good! The Semester is over. Summer here I come woohoo!
Life is good! The Semester is over. Summer here I come woohoo!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sadly I did not get to see Kate Voegele last night, I had too much work.
But I did get into my Novella class for next year! Senior year is going to be insane with the amount of work I'm going to be doing, but it's going to be the good kind rather than the bad.
Monday is my last day at NEF. I have an exam on Tuesday and one more essay for IR (eep!) and then I'm going to be freeeeee to explore the city for a few days, get lots of sleep, and prepare for the summer.
It's gone by so fast...
But I did get into my Novella class for next year! Senior year is going to be insane with the amount of work I'm going to be doing, but it's going to be the good kind rather than the bad.
Monday is my last day at NEF. I have an exam on Tuesday and one more essay for IR (eep!) and then I'm going to be freeeeee to explore the city for a few days, get lots of sleep, and prepare for the summer.
It's gone by so fast...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Sunday Musings
Finals are piling up but I don't really have the energy at the moment. It will get done, as always.
I feel like I have finally reached some conclusions lately. Well...kind of. At least I am aware of some of things I need to work on and I know it will all be ok. This summer should give me more in terms of what I'm doing and what I'm searching for. After all this time I feel like I might be truly ready to start over. Well...hopefully, I know I have a tendency to think that's true and then realize I was completely wrong. But maybe this time I'm right?
I'm excited about my class this summer, I think it's going to be amazing! Hopefully HRF won't be the same as NEF, I need some change but I think it will be fun working for them, they do seem pretty interesting and the people were really nice when I went for my interview. I have a final due on Thursday but there's a concert I really want to go to Wednesday night...choices choices.
I'm rereading one of my favorite series right now. I tend to turn to this trilogy at least once a semester when I need something familiar that sucks you in for a long period of time with adventure, romance, intrigue...it's pretty great. Jacqueline Carey is such an amazing writer, she has a new book coming out next month, I'm hoping that she will do a signing somewhere in the city so I can go, although I did see her at Lunacon last spring, which was really cool. Book signings are so much fun! That is definitely one of the things I'm going to miss next year, all the great author events.
Still waiting to hear on one more class and then my schedule will be finalized for the Fall. I go back and forth but I think Senior year should be pretty great, if not extremely stressful and intense. It's frightening to think I only have one more year before I have to start thinking about what I really want to do with my life...oh well, I have time.
I feel like I have finally reached some conclusions lately. Well...kind of. At least I am aware of some of things I need to work on and I know it will all be ok. This summer should give me more in terms of what I'm doing and what I'm searching for. After all this time I feel like I might be truly ready to start over. Well...hopefully, I know I have a tendency to think that's true and then realize I was completely wrong. But maybe this time I'm right?
I'm excited about my class this summer, I think it's going to be amazing! Hopefully HRF won't be the same as NEF, I need some change but I think it will be fun working for them, they do seem pretty interesting and the people were really nice when I went for my interview. I have a final due on Thursday but there's a concert I really want to go to Wednesday night...choices choices.
I'm rereading one of my favorite series right now. I tend to turn to this trilogy at least once a semester when I need something familiar that sucks you in for a long period of time with adventure, romance, intrigue...it's pretty great. Jacqueline Carey is such an amazing writer, she has a new book coming out next month, I'm hoping that she will do a signing somewhere in the city so I can go, although I did see her at Lunacon last spring, which was really cool. Book signings are so much fun! That is definitely one of the things I'm going to miss next year, all the great author events.
Still waiting to hear on one more class and then my schedule will be finalized for the Fall. I go back and forth but I think Senior year should be pretty great, if not extremely stressful and intense. It's frightening to think I only have one more year before I have to start thinking about what I really want to do with my life...oh well, I have time.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Little Dipper
I feel so frustrated and confused and irritated.
I'm fed up and tired and just ready for the semester to be over.
The year has been such a roller coaster so far but I'm bored and I feel like I'm on the up side waiting eagerly to reach the top to go swooping down, arms in the air, screaming my lungs out.
Figuring it out, thinking it through, so much left to do.
I'm fed up and tired and just ready for the semester to be over.
The year has been such a roller coaster so far but I'm bored and I feel like I'm on the up side waiting eagerly to reach the top to go swooping down, arms in the air, screaming my lungs out.
Figuring it out, thinking it through, so much left to do.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Searching
By Blackonyx
“So yesterday I was at this party, and all of the sudden this girl starts rubbing against me. She was hott so I let her grind on my dick for a while but damn, her skirt barely covered her fat ass. I could tell she was going to be an easy hook up.”
“Mark, you always let fat bitches rub against you because that’s all you ever get. And I really don’t want to hear about you getting laid, it’s nasty.”
“Whatever man, at least someone is on me. All you got is that lame ass wife who decided to stop sleeping with you the minute you married her.”
“I know. Man, how fucked was I to get married at 20.”
“I told you that you were making a mistake…”
“Fuck you.”
I can hear my brother, Mark and his friend Luke, through the thin wall that separates my room from his. I wonder when his life started to suck so much and I worry that I am following in his footsteps. I do not want to be him in five years. I’m in my last year of college and the world has suddenly started to loom over me, taunting me with my ignorance and laughing at my lack of understanding. Aren’t you supposed to have more confidence after four years of constantly taking in information? I used to think so…but now I’m not so sure.
My friend Lisa told me that it’s ok to be scared of the future. But in my family, it’s not ok to be afraid of anything. My dad told me the day my balls started to drop that being a man should be one of the most important things in my life. I’m not allowed to back down. I always have to fight for what I want. Women can’t be trusted. And if he ever sawing me crying he would beat the shit out of me again and again until pain would become the backdrop to my already pitiful life. I guess it’s nice to know he cares about the impression I make on people…or how my behavior reflects on him, probably the latter.
In high school I ran track. I remember the feeling of the wind against my face and the sound of my feet pounding against the ground and how great it felt to know that I could do something well. I loved flying past my opponents and knew they would never catch up. The burn in my legs propelled me forward and everything else just faded. Running probably saved my life during one of the most awkward transitions a teenage boy goes through. My friends were all doing their work and getting good grades. They were interested in politics and science and they couldn’t wait to explore the world. But I just wanted to keep on flying. I didn’t care about terrorism or engineering or seeing what else was out there. I was content, as long as I could run.
Junior year, my dad decided that running was for pussys and he told me to join the football team. I wasn’t too scrawny and the fact that I could run fast would be an asset for the team. I didn’t really have a choice so I tried out and became the quarterback. During the third quarter of the last game of my high school career one of the players from the other team hit my leg wrong in a tackle. My leg pretty much shattered from the impact and the fall. The way my life goes, of course that would happen.
My dad hasn’t spoken to me since my leg healed. He helped take care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself but he was ashamed that I had become a weakling who would never be able to use his leg to the same extent as before.
I still can’t run for very long. And the idea of getting even close to my previous speed is a total joke. My doctor was a piece of shit and screwed up when he operated and reset everything. Now I’m practically one of those crippled kids you see limping across the road slower than old people fuck.
My brother was great during my recovery though. He never went to college. After graduation he got a job at the paper mill in town and they paid him so well, he just decided to stick with it. He is still there, it’s been ten years and he’s still there. I don’t understand that. He’s so intelligent. In high school his English teacher told him he could really make it as a writer if he wanted. I don’t know how much you can trust that kind of thing, but the fact that she said that has to mean something. Instead Mark has dedicated his life so far to working and fucking. Girls in this town are putrid though. He’s run through them all.None of them have stuck. His friend Luke married his high school sweetheart. Pretty fucking stupid if you ask me. They’ve been together for four years and they have a two-year-old daughter. She’s adorable but Luke barely gets any time with her because his wife, Rachel, is a controlling bitch.
There’s not really that much to say about my old man. He’s a mechanic. He comes home everyday smelling like grease. He doesn’t talk much. He fought in Vietnam and definitely has that PTSD shit. My mom left right after I was born. I don’t really blame her. Mark told me that dad used to throw beer bottles at her head and beat her with his belt buckle. Sometimes he would think she was Vietnamese even though she was Latino. When that would happen he would take out his handgun and threaten to shoot her. Pretty messed up shit. Luckily Mark and I both have dicks so dad didn’t beat us too badly unless we really pissed him off. Nowadays when I come to visit he just ignores me.
My life is spiraling into nothing and I don’t know how to stop it. Mark, Luke, my dad, they don’t really matter but analyzing them instead of myself is comforting at times. I just want to be ok again. I haven’t felt free or happy or loved since I stopped running. There is a huge hole in my life, and I am just searching for the something or someone that can fill it.
“So yesterday I was at this party, and all of the sudden this girl starts rubbing against me. She was hott so I let her grind on my dick for a while but damn, her skirt barely covered her fat ass. I could tell she was going to be an easy hook up.”
“Mark, you always let fat bitches rub against you because that’s all you ever get. And I really don’t want to hear about you getting laid, it’s nasty.”
“Whatever man, at least someone is on me. All you got is that lame ass wife who decided to stop sleeping with you the minute you married her.”
“I know. Man, how fucked was I to get married at 20.”
“I told you that you were making a mistake…”
“Fuck you.”
I can hear my brother, Mark and his friend Luke, through the thin wall that separates my room from his. I wonder when his life started to suck so much and I worry that I am following in his footsteps. I do not want to be him in five years. I’m in my last year of college and the world has suddenly started to loom over me, taunting me with my ignorance and laughing at my lack of understanding. Aren’t you supposed to have more confidence after four years of constantly taking in information? I used to think so…but now I’m not so sure.
My friend Lisa told me that it’s ok to be scared of the future. But in my family, it’s not ok to be afraid of anything. My dad told me the day my balls started to drop that being a man should be one of the most important things in my life. I’m not allowed to back down. I always have to fight for what I want. Women can’t be trusted. And if he ever sawing me crying he would beat the shit out of me again and again until pain would become the backdrop to my already pitiful life. I guess it’s nice to know he cares about the impression I make on people…or how my behavior reflects on him, probably the latter.
In high school I ran track. I remember the feeling of the wind against my face and the sound of my feet pounding against the ground and how great it felt to know that I could do something well. I loved flying past my opponents and knew they would never catch up. The burn in my legs propelled me forward and everything else just faded. Running probably saved my life during one of the most awkward transitions a teenage boy goes through. My friends were all doing their work and getting good grades. They were interested in politics and science and they couldn’t wait to explore the world. But I just wanted to keep on flying. I didn’t care about terrorism or engineering or seeing what else was out there. I was content, as long as I could run.
Junior year, my dad decided that running was for pussys and he told me to join the football team. I wasn’t too scrawny and the fact that I could run fast would be an asset for the team. I didn’t really have a choice so I tried out and became the quarterback. During the third quarter of the last game of my high school career one of the players from the other team hit my leg wrong in a tackle. My leg pretty much shattered from the impact and the fall. The way my life goes, of course that would happen.
My dad hasn’t spoken to me since my leg healed. He helped take care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself but he was ashamed that I had become a weakling who would never be able to use his leg to the same extent as before.
I still can’t run for very long. And the idea of getting even close to my previous speed is a total joke. My doctor was a piece of shit and screwed up when he operated and reset everything. Now I’m practically one of those crippled kids you see limping across the road slower than old people fuck.
My brother was great during my recovery though. He never went to college. After graduation he got a job at the paper mill in town and they paid him so well, he just decided to stick with it. He is still there, it’s been ten years and he’s still there. I don’t understand that. He’s so intelligent. In high school his English teacher told him he could really make it as a writer if he wanted. I don’t know how much you can trust that kind of thing, but the fact that she said that has to mean something. Instead Mark has dedicated his life so far to working and fucking. Girls in this town are putrid though. He’s run through them all.None of them have stuck. His friend Luke married his high school sweetheart. Pretty fucking stupid if you ask me. They’ve been together for four years and they have a two-year-old daughter. She’s adorable but Luke barely gets any time with her because his wife, Rachel, is a controlling bitch.
There’s not really that much to say about my old man. He’s a mechanic. He comes home everyday smelling like grease. He doesn’t talk much. He fought in Vietnam and definitely has that PTSD shit. My mom left right after I was born. I don’t really blame her. Mark told me that dad used to throw beer bottles at her head and beat her with his belt buckle. Sometimes he would think she was Vietnamese even though she was Latino. When that would happen he would take out his handgun and threaten to shoot her. Pretty messed up shit. Luckily Mark and I both have dicks so dad didn’t beat us too badly unless we really pissed him off. Nowadays when I come to visit he just ignores me.
My life is spiraling into nothing and I don’t know how to stop it. Mark, Luke, my dad, they don’t really matter but analyzing them instead of myself is comforting at times. I just want to be ok again. I haven’t felt free or happy or loved since I stopped running. There is a huge hole in my life, and I am just searching for the something or someone that can fill it.
Cold Aloo
Just finished my Reporting on International Affairs final, eating cold Aloo Paratha. It's not as good here as it is in Pune, it kind of just looks like stuffed Naan. Spring fling went fairly well, could've been better, could've been worse. Two weeks left of Spring Semester. Two papers and an exam and I will be free for a week before Summer classes begin. Ugh it needs to stop raining and I need to get motivated for work.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Halo
By Bethany Joy Lenz
Ah this song is soooo good!
And this part totally fits me right now.
Yes, I know I'm emo.
I always said that I would make mistakes
I’m only human and that’s my saving grace
I’ll fall as hard as I try
So don’t be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
Ah this song is soooo good!
And this part totally fits me right now.
Yes, I know I'm emo.
I always said that I would make mistakes
I’m only human and that’s my saving grace
I’ll fall as hard as I try
So don’t be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
I just finished reading Tender at the Bone by Ruth Reichl. I really enjoyed it, her writing style is casual and easy to identify with. Her life has been so eventful but her book makes it all feel so normal while still keeping it interesting. I look forward to getting her second book Comfort Me With Apples. In the mean time I'm thinking about eating these:
Artpark Brownies
2/3 cup butter
5 oz unsweetened best quality French Chocolate
2 tsp Vanilla
4 eggs
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups sugar
1 cup sifted flour
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Melt butter and chocolate together.
Beat eggs and salt in mixer, add sugar and beat at high speed for about 10mins, mixture should be white.
Add chocolate and butter to mixture and beat at low speed until mixed. Add flour and combine quickly until there are no white streaks.
Pour into pan and put in oven. Turn oven down to 350 degrees and bake for 40mins.
Brownies should be fudgy so don't overbake.
Artpark Brownies
2/3 cup butter
5 oz unsweetened best quality French Chocolate
2 tsp Vanilla
4 eggs
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups sugar
1 cup sifted flour
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Melt butter and chocolate together.
Beat eggs and salt in mixer, add sugar and beat at high speed for about 10mins, mixture should be white.
Add chocolate and butter to mixture and beat at low speed until mixed. Add flour and combine quickly until there are no white streaks.
Pour into pan and put in oven. Turn oven down to 350 degrees and bake for 40mins.
Brownies should be fudgy so don't overbake.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sooo good! Also I had nothing to do at work today so this was an extremely satisfying way to pass the time.
http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/
http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/
Monday, April 27, 2009
April into May
[yes I know I have too much time on my hands]
My boss, Liz, leaves tomorrow for Morocco. So I shall be in a fairly empty office for the next three weeks. My co-intern has left :( and the Programs Director has a week of vacation and then is off to Morocco to join Liz.
Apparently my next project is to measure impact of NEF based on response to our projects and what is produced in different countries by our work. Sounds like a lot of going through reports and papers. Should be fun to learn about though.
Also we are studying war reporting in my journalism class. It's really interesting, I like this kind of writing a lot. I can't really seem myself doing it but I think it would be amazing. I'd probably get killed though, so I'll stick to other types of writing.
Looks like I'm going to Kashmir next winter for project, if things go well. The head of my department said there is money for sp travel/research. So cool! Unfortunately I am still wrestling with my ideas a bit and I've got to figure out some new plans.
Oh well, on to bigger and better things. I am three days away from the best weekend ever, epic adventures and great friends. Only an essay and 18 hours of work away. Yay!
[yes I know I have too much time on my hands]
My boss, Liz, leaves tomorrow for Morocco. So I shall be in a fairly empty office for the next three weeks. My co-intern has left :( and the Programs Director has a week of vacation and then is off to Morocco to join Liz.
Apparently my next project is to measure impact of NEF based on response to our projects and what is produced in different countries by our work. Sounds like a lot of going through reports and papers. Should be fun to learn about though.
Also we are studying war reporting in my journalism class. It's really interesting, I like this kind of writing a lot. I can't really seem myself doing it but I think it would be amazing. I'd probably get killed though, so I'll stick to other types of writing.
Looks like I'm going to Kashmir next winter for project, if things go well. The head of my department said there is money for sp travel/research. So cool! Unfortunately I am still wrestling with my ideas a bit and I've got to figure out some new plans.
Oh well, on to bigger and better things. I am three days away from the best weekend ever, epic adventures and great friends. Only an essay and 18 hours of work away. Yay!
सुम्मेर निघ्ट्स
Summer Nights
I remember great summers.
Seven Element Salmon and platters of cake.
Every morning was fun because I knew the day would end with you.
The park at dusk... I still love sitting on those swings.
The gazebo where the beginning of our end repeated itself.
Parked cars and cold nights. Pizza lunchables are still delicious.
How did we talk for hours on end about everything?
Long breaks between lunch and dinner shift spent the same way day after day.
Round two, the spark had faded and we were set in a rhythm.
It's funny that these months are less clear in my mind. I wish you had come to watch fireworks with me on that clear July night. You left and we faded away over long winter nights and cool spring days.
Round three, so afraid to take the wrong steps. I tried and I sometimes I wish that it could have all just worked. Cold nights and itchy blankets. The stars are so bright away from city lights. I still have the ticket from that movie somewhere, I think it was Pirates of the Caribbean 2. Then I left and fragile agreements quickly fell apart all over again.After all this time you are on your way and I am on mine but I'm still confused.
How did I end up here?
How much have I changed?
You plan too and you seem to have it all worked out.
I'm still searching, and enjoying the adventure.
But sometimes I wonder...
I remember great summers.
Seven Element Salmon and platters of cake.
Every morning was fun because I knew the day would end with you.
The park at dusk... I still love sitting on those swings.
The gazebo where the beginning of our end repeated itself.
Parked cars and cold nights. Pizza lunchables are still delicious.
How did we talk for hours on end about everything?
Long breaks between lunch and dinner shift spent the same way day after day.
Round two, the spark had faded and we were set in a rhythm.
It's funny that these months are less clear in my mind. I wish you had come to watch fireworks with me on that clear July night. You left and we faded away over long winter nights and cool spring days.
Round three, so afraid to take the wrong steps. I tried and I sometimes I wish that it could have all just worked. Cold nights and itchy blankets. The stars are so bright away from city lights. I still have the ticket from that movie somewhere, I think it was Pirates of the Caribbean 2. Then I left and fragile agreements quickly fell apart all over again.After all this time you are on your way and I am on mine but I'm still confused.
How did I end up here?
How much have I changed?
You plan too and you seem to have it all worked out.
I'm still searching, and enjoying the adventure.
But sometimes I wonder...
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Chupa Chups
We thought there was going to be 15 layers inside, unfortunately there was just 15 mini ones.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
I just found out that the guy who used to clean the carpets at my moms store and our house committed suicide a few days ago. I've known him forever! And he just sat down in his chair and shot himself twice while watching TV. He has a family, a son. I wonder if it was the economy or depression or just that life had been hard for a while. It takes a lot of willpower to kill yourself. I wonder what separates the people who have the most horrible lives and fight everyday to live and the people who are just unhappy with difficult lives who truly want to die. What keeps those people from doing the opposite?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Tequila Jacks and Gummy Bears
Sooooooooo much work to do! Spring Fling better be amazing, it just has to be because I need a break hardcore. Asher and I finally hitched up our cajones and ate at Tequila Jacks. It was surprisingly good and not as sketchy as we originally thought it would be. Rainbow Sherbert ice cream for dessert.
It's my anniversary the day after tomorrow, so many years just flying by.
My professor gave me some book recommendations on Ireland. Hopefully I'll have time over the summer to read one, I can't wait to go there. I secretly want to marry an irishman hehe. Tall, lanky, black hair, green/blue eyes, lilting accent...just my type.
Choosing classes for next semester is proving to be quite a pain, I have one down, two to go. I was all ready to go for Symbolic Logic and then I discovered that the professor almost bored me to death Freshman year so that's out. And noone else is getting back to me!!! It's driving me nuts. Hopefully things come through soon, I don't want to be stuck running around searching for courses last minute like I was last year.
Oh yeah I forgot to mention, I got my internship at HRF for the summer! And my co-intern who starts when I do facebooked me, she's from Yale. I can't wait for it all to begin!
Gummy bears are delicious.
It's my anniversary the day after tomorrow, so many years just flying by.
My professor gave me some book recommendations on Ireland. Hopefully I'll have time over the summer to read one, I can't wait to go there. I secretly want to marry an irishman hehe. Tall, lanky, black hair, green/blue eyes, lilting accent...just my type.
Choosing classes for next semester is proving to be quite a pain, I have one down, two to go. I was all ready to go for Symbolic Logic and then I discovered that the professor almost bored me to death Freshman year so that's out. And noone else is getting back to me!!! It's driving me nuts. Hopefully things come through soon, I don't want to be stuck running around searching for courses last minute like I was last year.
Oh yeah I forgot to mention, I got my internship at HRF for the summer! And my co-intern who starts when I do facebooked me, she's from Yale. I can't wait for it all to begin!
Gummy bears are delicious.
Monday, April 20, 2009
The times they are a changin...
It rained today. Windy as I stepped out of the 59th St station. Water hit my face, clean and cool, making me smile. I started The Much Too Promised Land, I'm really enjoying it even though I know I have to speed read and kill myself this coming weekend so that the one after will be stress free. I keep going back and forth between whether or not I should go to Spring Fling but I think it will be fun. Plus I haven't seen some of my friends in a while so it will be good.
I saw Ruth Reichel tonight at the Y. She talked about her new book which is about her mother but she is a food writer and the Editor-in-Chief for Gourmet magazine. She signed my book and complimented my name. Last week was Isabel Allende, Strobe Talbott and Megan McCafferty. I am going to miss the City. I think it has sucked me in and I've turned into one of those people, you know who I mean.
I don't like who I have become lately and it's troubling. Most of me is good and happy and doing great but there's pieces that need to be realigned and I'm not sure when they fell out of place. It's disappointing when you realize you didn't even notice the fall. I have begun to isolate myself again, as I have the tendency to do. I got out a little, to eat and to the movies. Asher and I have fun together but even when it comes to seeing something new at the theater, I tend to go alone. I guess I have a low tolerance for people if they don't seem to fit just right. I guess I'm picky.
I might start submitting some work to different magazines, it would be nice to get some pieces out there. Hopefully...
Only a month left until Summer! And then classes start a week later haha but I think it's going to be awesome. I'm excited!
I had a dream last night that I was training to be an assassin and I killed some guy. It was very strange.
Change is coming, I can feel it.
I saw Ruth Reichel tonight at the Y. She talked about her new book which is about her mother but she is a food writer and the Editor-in-Chief for Gourmet magazine. She signed my book and complimented my name. Last week was Isabel Allende, Strobe Talbott and Megan McCafferty. I am going to miss the City. I think it has sucked me in and I've turned into one of those people, you know who I mean.
I don't like who I have become lately and it's troubling. Most of me is good and happy and doing great but there's pieces that need to be realigned and I'm not sure when they fell out of place. It's disappointing when you realize you didn't even notice the fall. I have begun to isolate myself again, as I have the tendency to do. I got out a little, to eat and to the movies. Asher and I have fun together but even when it comes to seeing something new at the theater, I tend to go alone. I guess I have a low tolerance for people if they don't seem to fit just right. I guess I'm picky.
I might start submitting some work to different magazines, it would be nice to get some pieces out there. Hopefully...
Only a month left until Summer! And then classes start a week later haha but I think it's going to be awesome. I'm excited!
I had a dream last night that I was training to be an assassin and I killed some guy. It was very strange.
Change is coming, I can feel it.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Present Presence Future
Time is going by so quickly. Finals are almost here and then it will be summer and I will be starting all over again. My life lately has seemed like one fresh start after another with bits and pieces of the past mixed in.
I feel like South Africa was life changing for the people I spent time with there but not so much for me. I didn't even meet anyone that I felt a strong connection to, I haven't stayed in touch with anyone and maybe that bothers me in the abstract idea that I should have made friends that would last but emotionally I really don't mind.
I just feel so lucky to have the close friends that are in my life that for me the people that don't stick don't matter. When I connect with someone I connect all the way and they become my friend for life, or at least for a while and when I don't the friendship is fairly superficial. I will talk about silly issues and maybe even talk about serious things but then when we part and the hint of connection fades I don't even look back I just keep on going.
Sometimes I wonder if that is what will happen with most of my friends from college and I know it probably will. A few will stick, emails and phone calls and rare visits will keep the relationship alive while everyone else will fade to faint memories.
It's funny to think about how many people enter your life for a brief time and then leave and you may never know how they affected you or even if they did at all. Sometimes i wonder how I affect other people, within a brief period of time or long term, how does my presence change a person? What is the impact when I'm gone? What would the difference be if I had never been present at all?
I feel like South Africa was life changing for the people I spent time with there but not so much for me. I didn't even meet anyone that I felt a strong connection to, I haven't stayed in touch with anyone and maybe that bothers me in the abstract idea that I should have made friends that would last but emotionally I really don't mind.
I just feel so lucky to have the close friends that are in my life that for me the people that don't stick don't matter. When I connect with someone I connect all the way and they become my friend for life, or at least for a while and when I don't the friendship is fairly superficial. I will talk about silly issues and maybe even talk about serious things but then when we part and the hint of connection fades I don't even look back I just keep on going.
Sometimes I wonder if that is what will happen with most of my friends from college and I know it probably will. A few will stick, emails and phone calls and rare visits will keep the relationship alive while everyone else will fade to faint memories.
It's funny to think about how many people enter your life for a brief time and then leave and you may never know how they affected you or even if they did at all. Sometimes i wonder how I affect other people, within a brief period of time or long term, how does my presence change a person? What is the impact when I'm gone? What would the difference be if I had never been present at all?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
HRF
Well I had my interview and I believe it went quite well. I should hear next week whether I got the job or not. HRF is on Fashion Ave. and it's actually in the same building as MSF haha. It seems like a nice area, not as fancy shmansy as Broad St. I hope I get it!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Pretty funny
http://www.hulu.com/watch/66317/saturday-night-live-girlfriend-voice
http://www.hulu.com/watch/56632/saturday-night-live-digital-short-im-on-a-boat
http://www.hulu.com/watch/16771/saturday-night-live-digital-short-iran-so-far
http://www.hulu.com/watch/1397/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-lazy-sunday
http://www.hulu.com/watch/56632/saturday-night-live-digital-short-im-on-a-boat
http://www.hulu.com/watch/16771/saturday-night-live-digital-short-iran-so-far
http://www.hulu.com/watch/1397/saturday-night-live-snl-digital-short-lazy-sunday
Saturday, April 4, 2009
quote
"Don’t wait around for life to happen to you. Find something that makes you happy, and do it. Because everything else is all just background noise."
-Ryan Chappelle
-Ryan Chappelle
Friday, April 3, 2009
Friday!
I got a haircut today! It was so nice to get my hair shampooed and conditioned and now it's all fresh and healthy feeling. I love it. Natasha got hers done too but she got a lot cut off and got highlights!!! I am just waiting for the remains of my highlights to grow out, I want it solid again.
I was pretty unproductive today, Jonny's midterm really has to be tackled tomorrow...IR theory is really scary, I'm totally freaked about the final in that class but I will deal with it when I have to.
I spent four hours in B&N today by myself. It was so great, it felt like before and I just felt like myself again, boring and content :p
I wonder when I'm going to hear about senior project...
I miss it.
Life is busy and overwhelming and unexpected and slightly painful but oh so good.
I was pretty unproductive today, Jonny's midterm really has to be tackled tomorrow...IR theory is really scary, I'm totally freaked about the final in that class but I will deal with it when I have to.
I spent four hours in B&N today by myself. It was so great, it felt like before and I just felt like myself again, boring and content :p
I wonder when I'm going to hear about senior project...
I miss it.
Life is busy and overwhelming and unexpected and slightly painful but oh so good.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Scraped Knees and a Crooked Grin
Life is so confusing. I think someone up there is laughing hysterically at my life. Even I have to admit it's all pretty hilarious. It's always one thing after another over and over again. There's never enough time to just be and have it all be ok. I'm totally freaked out about senior project. I don't know what I'll do if they say no...And the work just keeps piling up. I'm a silly girl for wanting to do summer classes haha. It's going to be great though. I wish I didn't have such a deep desire to figure things out, I really should just go with the flow and not overanalyze but I do. I'm only human after all, it's what we do. Oh well, I have a lot of work this weekend but I'm going to go to dinner with Asher tomorrow and we are going to eat amazing Tiramisu and hang out with Sarah (hopefully) on Saturday and be all done with my work for a little while. It's going to be great!
"Yet what is any ocean but a multitude of drops?"
The Shadow Queen -Bishop
The Castle of Crossed Destinies -Calvino
Naamah's Kiss -Carey
The Mysteries of Pittsburghh -Chabon
Along for the Ride -Dessen
Skin Trade -Hamilton
Perfect Fifths -McCafferty
Cloud Atlas -Mitchell
Handle With Care -Picoult
The Wise Man's Fear -Rothfuss
Maps of the Imagination -Turchi
The Castle of Crossed Destinies -Calvino
Naamah's Kiss -Carey
The Mysteries of Pittsburghh -Chabon
Along for the Ride -Dessen
Skin Trade -Hamilton
Perfect Fifths -McCafferty
Cloud Atlas -Mitchell
Handle With Care -Picoult
The Wise Man's Fear -Rothfuss
Maps of the Imagination -Turchi
Monday, March 30, 2009
Overwhelmed
Ahhhhhhhhh everything is happening all at once! Spring break was nice but coming back I'm just being clobbered with work. I realized that I needed to figure out what is happening for senior project next year and I emailed the head of the writing department since I want to do a creative senior project. She replied telling me to send her my proposal tomorrow because decisions are being made on WEDNESDAY! Good thing I found out, otherwise I would have been totally screwed. Also I am trying to figure out what's happening this summer, I really need to hear back from someone about internships. Hopefully something comes through sooner rather than later. And I have so much other work to do for my classes, it's insane. This week has sure started off with a bang...
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Under Pressure
I've noticed that I have a tendency to push and push until my relationships with people break under the pressure. I try to get people to prove themselves to me over and over again. It is like I want to be right every time and it is a kind of satisfaction when I am. But secretly I'm hoping that this time, this one won't give in and it will last through everything. Like I said, drawn out until all that's left is shattered moments. I'm good at that, I know it will happen and I just have to be around to see when it does. I don't even know what I want but it is as though if someone else can know then I can make up my mind around that. It's silly, it's like a game and I always win but the prize isn't all that great. It's funny how things work out. I wonder what comes out of it all, what was the point? what was the purpose of it all? I guess I just need things to make sense. I like closure and clear endings. It's like a cleansing fire, burning out everything so that what grows next will be healthy and strong.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Scent and Memory
My mom got some of my grandmother's jewelry out of our safety deposit box today. We sorted through the rings and watches and bracelets remembering or in my case wondering about each piece. My mom gave me two of the rings to take back to college with me and as I brought my hands to my face I could smell her, even after all of these years. My grandmothers scent used to permeate everything around her, when she came to visit, the bottom floor of our house would reek of perfume and make-up in the best possible way. I loved it. Today I could smell her on my hands, face powder and Taboo teasing memories from my mind. I wish she could be here to see it all.
Spring Break '09
I had a conversation with someone from HRF this morning, she said she would send my CV and cover letters along to the respective departments so that sounds positive. I'm not sure when I will hear from CFR but hopefully I can go in for an interview sometime soon. This summer is going to be so great! I can already feel everything falling into place.
Yesterday I went and saw I love you, man with Rosie and Edith. It was really funny. We then made dinner at Rosie's house and watched She's the Man (so good). I also made Zucchini muffins, which I hadn't done before, they turned out pretty good.
I can't believe how fast spring break has flown by. I leave in two days back to the city. Then comes the onslaught of midterms and finals, ugh. It's so nice here, sunny and warm and beautiful. It still feels like home but it will be good to go back.
Yesterday I went and saw I love you, man with Rosie and Edith. It was really funny. We then made dinner at Rosie's house and watched She's the Man (so good). I also made Zucchini muffins, which I hadn't done before, they turned out pretty good.
I can't believe how fast spring break has flown by. I leave in two days back to the city. Then comes the onslaught of midterms and finals, ugh. It's so nice here, sunny and warm and beautiful. It still feels like home but it will be good to go back.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Quick Fix
I'm worried that I'm going to fall backwards. I worry he is unhappy and so he is missing me and turning to me like he always does. But once happiness returns I will lose him all over again. I'm afraid that he sees me as a quick fix but I know I'm not. We need to be happy on our own and maybe when that happens he won't want me anymore and then I will know it was right.
Control Freak
I actually had a nightmare last night. I woke up this morning sick and hurt and afraid. It wasn't a monster dream, just a representation of what could happen in my life. Rosie is right I am reliving the past too much, it's happening all over again and I know how this story ends so why am I hoping it will be different this time? I have no idea. Time heals though, or it's supposed to when incorporated properly. I think I've read the directions wrong and keep putting it all together so that it looks ok but is secretly missing a few screws. I need to control myself and focus because mistakes are definitely not moving this along. I just feel like I'm going in circles over and over again. I suppose that is my fault because I keep pushing the issue, I can't let it rest. My ongoing desire for closure always drags things out and then I end up without closure with a lot of shattered moments behind me. I know. I'm a real winner. I feel like all the pieces are starting to come together, there is a glimmer of it, of what could be and I like it. Everything fits except for one thing, the broken bit at the side that I think I can fix but would be better off if I just left it out altogether. What am I doing? I've been told I'm ignoring it...maybe I am but last week I felt good. I felt like I was really getting things to work for the first time in a long time. I hate how every time I feel that way lately, I'm wrong. Sometimes I wish I could be the way I used to be when all I had was myself. Sure it hurts but you get used to it and its nice to go home and read book after book and enjoy the imagined worlds of others. It is a comfort, a savior. Of course I am grateful for my friends, I love them all, each and every one. But sometimes it just hits me that all I have, and will ever truly have, is myself. I wrote a while back that I didn't think I had much love left in me. Maybe I'm afraid I won't be able to do this again? That's ridiculous though because I've come back from it all before, a couple of times actually, so I can. So maybe, I am just afraid. Ugh talk about emo...
Thursday, March 19, 2009
आईटी इस अल्मोस्त स्प्रिंग ब्रेक!
"It is almost Spring Break!"
Last night I went to Molly Wizenberg's book signing for A Homemade Life. It was so great to hear her in person. She read the chapter "Summer of Change" and it was just really moving because in a way I definitely identified with her. Although her real "what am I doing with my life?" dilemma seemed to hit her later on and I seem to be experiencing that now but I can understand her being in Paris and being happy and lonely and unsure and being ok with that. Because that is how I feel except I happen to be in New York eating cheap food rather than in Paris eating beautiful food.
CFR called me to schedule a phone interview. It is tomorrow at 10am. I hope it goes well, it would be really great to finally know what I'm doing for the summer.
Mom and I leave for home tomorrow, I can't wait to get out of here for a bit.
[I don't know why my title is in Hindi but I can't seem to change it...]
Last night I went to Molly Wizenberg's book signing for A Homemade Life. It was so great to hear her in person. She read the chapter "Summer of Change" and it was just really moving because in a way I definitely identified with her. Although her real "what am I doing with my life?" dilemma seemed to hit her later on and I seem to be experiencing that now but I can understand her being in Paris and being happy and lonely and unsure and being ok with that. Because that is how I feel except I happen to be in New York eating cheap food rather than in Paris eating beautiful food.
CFR called me to schedule a phone interview. It is tomorrow at 10am. I hope it goes well, it would be really great to finally know what I'm doing for the summer.
Mom and I leave for home tomorrow, I can't wait to get out of here for a bit.
[I don't know why my title is in Hindi but I can't seem to change it...]
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Loneliness Ending
Do you ever read something and have each word pull at your being?
Does your heart just ache with it all? Sometimes I fall in love with an
authors way with words and yearn to recreate that feeling. I think
that is what love is, it's an ache that you don't mind having because
it makes you feel so good. I know it doesn't make any sense but
seriously I have a longing for that deep ache, coated with honey, that
comforts while occasionally causing your throat to close up with the
weight of tears held back. I don't know. 'that was loneliness' I want
'this was loneliness ending.'
Does your heart just ache with it all? Sometimes I fall in love with an
authors way with words and yearn to recreate that feeling. I think
that is what love is, it's an ache that you don't mind having because
it makes you feel so good. I know it doesn't make any sense but
seriously I have a longing for that deep ache, coated with honey, that
comforts while occasionally causing your throat to close up with the
weight of tears held back. I don't know. 'that was loneliness' I want
'this was loneliness ending.'
Monday, March 16, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Restless
It is that time of night, when if I stay up late enough, I want to talk for hours on end. I always seem to get to this point where if asked I would just let it all out, everything that is on my mind. The words bubble up but they don't quite brim over. So I end up tossing and turning until finally sleep takes me and in the morning my restless night is a vague memory.
Busy Bee
Ahhhhhh my reporting professor gives us so much work. I have a 2,200 word article due next week and I'm freaking out about how to write it. I saw Archbishop Desmond Tutu speak last night at this beautiful (Riverside) church and it was really great to hear him talk about abolishing capital punishment in America. I'm also going to a book signing for Molly Wizenburg who writes the awesome blog Orangette, next Wednesday and I can't wait. Her book looks really amazing. I read the intro on Amazon.com and it was sooooooo good. D is coming to the city this weekend, I told him I wouldn't bail this time so it will be nice to chill. And I'm going to see the Upright Citizens Brigade on Sunday. Busy busy week. My mom comes back to the city on Wednesday and we leave for home on Friday. Spring Break is screaming my name and I can't wait to be free of this place for a little while. I need to clear my head, home is the perfect place to do it.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Love 2006
You speak words of love
And I don't comprehend the meaning
You say you're fast and reckless
And that you love me for what I am and am not
But I wonder when the love will fade
Because it always does
You worship what we had
While I look forward for new adventures
You say I am your drug
But then what is mine?
Because I know that you are not the fix I need
Or maybe you are and I just don't know yet
I don't know myself
And I know that I am tempted by so much more
I don't want to hurt you or me
But I know it always happens even when I start to believe
That we could last forever
Then the boredom sets in and I see the end
Coming closer and closer until it is time
I cut you off before you speak so I can let the words out
I vomit out the searing comments
We are done and over with
Until you come back and want more
Again you crave what I have to give
But can I give it to you again?
You say we can work
And I cringe at your hope
Feeling that it can't work
Maybe I do shoot things down too fast
To protect myself and others
Who knows?
I will try
Really I will
But please please
Free me, don't clip my wings
I will fly and come home when it is time
Though don't expect that home to be you
Because I always hoped that home would be in me
I crave to be self-sufficient
I also crave a shoulder to lean on
I know I am confusing
It's amazing that you can deal with it
You know me so well
And you read me more than I want sometimes
You have kept me safe and stable
I hope you are by my side in some way or another
Forever…for eternity
And I don't comprehend the meaning
You say you're fast and reckless
And that you love me for what I am and am not
But I wonder when the love will fade
Because it always does
You worship what we had
While I look forward for new adventures
You say I am your drug
But then what is mine?
Because I know that you are not the fix I need
Or maybe you are and I just don't know yet
I don't know myself
And I know that I am tempted by so much more
I don't want to hurt you or me
But I know it always happens even when I start to believe
That we could last forever
Then the boredom sets in and I see the end
Coming closer and closer until it is time
I cut you off before you speak so I can let the words out
I vomit out the searing comments
We are done and over with
Until you come back and want more
Again you crave what I have to give
But can I give it to you again?
You say we can work
And I cringe at your hope
Feeling that it can't work
Maybe I do shoot things down too fast
To protect myself and others
Who knows?
I will try
Really I will
But please please
Free me, don't clip my wings
I will fly and come home when it is time
Though don't expect that home to be you
Because I always hoped that home would be in me
I crave to be self-sufficient
I also crave a shoulder to lean on
I know I am confusing
It's amazing that you can deal with it
You know me so well
And you read me more than I want sometimes
You have kept me safe and stable
I hope you are by my side in some way or another
Forever…for eternity
Monday, March 9, 2009
Radha Krishna
"Of course, he would know, he knew me better than I knew myself. His arm came around and pulled me close to his body, his heat seeped through the back of my shirt warming me to my core. I’m not sure when, but I eventually fell asleep in his familiar embrace, finally at peace, at least for a little while." -COTS
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
the rest can come later
It sucks when you realize that something you thought was over and done with is still lingering. You find that a tiny instant can trigger a memory and you're suddenly back to square one, extremely irritated.
I am happy here, I know I keep saying that but it's nice for a change, I walk down the street some days listening to my ipod and I'm just filled with such glee. I love my reporting class, my friends are cool people, the city holds so much potential for each and every day and yet I think Rosie is right. I allow myself to get caught up in the drama and the ridiculous details and they bring me down. I get wrapped up in what other people think and it crushes my good mood.
I am doing all that I can and hopefully I will bump into what I'm looking for one of these days but it's not about the people, it's about me and what my mind craves. Sure it would be nice to meet the right person and know that you're going to spend the rest of your life with them. I am a big romantic when it comes down to it all and I'm not into the random dating and the shit in between. I am into forever. I'm amused by the small stuff and at my age it's fun because I don't want a relationship now. But Rosie has a point, so I'm going to be more careful from now on.
I'm searching for my mental passion. The rest can come later.
I am happy here, I know I keep saying that but it's nice for a change, I walk down the street some days listening to my ipod and I'm just filled with such glee. I love my reporting class, my friends are cool people, the city holds so much potential for each and every day and yet I think Rosie is right. I allow myself to get caught up in the drama and the ridiculous details and they bring me down. I get wrapped up in what other people think and it crushes my good mood.
I am doing all that I can and hopefully I will bump into what I'm looking for one of these days but it's not about the people, it's about me and what my mind craves. Sure it would be nice to meet the right person and know that you're going to spend the rest of your life with them. I am a big romantic when it comes down to it all and I'm not into the random dating and the shit in between. I am into forever. I'm amused by the small stuff and at my age it's fun because I don't want a relationship now. But Rosie has a point, so I'm going to be more careful from now on.
I'm searching for my mental passion. The rest can come later.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Wishing It Would All Make Sense
I'm frustrated. With myself, with others assuming things about me, and with just not knowing where I'm headed. The city has pulled me in and while I haven't fallen in love I am enjoying the fling of it all.
On the academic front I'm really enjoying my International Reporting class. I feel like I'm not even taking any other classes because I always seem to be doing work for just that one.
On friday I went to Jackson Heights (Little India) to interview people about Slumdog Millionaire I ended up meeting some interesting people, and I left with great eyebrows and a full stomach. The threading was painful but the food was good and I brought home some Gulab Jamun which kept me satisfied over the weekend.
I also went and saw Rachel Getting Married on Saturday with my friend Chris. We both thought it was good but we weren't sure if we really liked it, I'm still not sure but I did enjoy watching it.
Sunday I hung out with my friend Jennifer. We ate thai food, not nearly as good as Rosies, walked around 5th Ave and then ate cake at Buttercup. It was a very fun girly day.
It snowed today and class was canceled, which was nice. The free time gave me a chance to do laundry and relax. I was kind of bummed out though because Mondays is the day I have reporting and now I'm going to be slightly lost when it comes time to do this weeks assignment. We're studying magazine writing this week which is interesting. One of the pieces we had to read was from The New Yorker. It is titled Betrayed by George Packer. Here's the link if you're interested:
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2007/03/26/070326fa_fact_packer
My mom comes to visit next week and then it's Spring Break. I can't believe how fast time is flying by.
On the academic front I'm really enjoying my International Reporting class. I feel like I'm not even taking any other classes because I always seem to be doing work for just that one.
On friday I went to Jackson Heights (Little India) to interview people about Slumdog Millionaire I ended up meeting some interesting people, and I left with great eyebrows and a full stomach. The threading was painful but the food was good and I brought home some Gulab Jamun which kept me satisfied over the weekend.
I also went and saw Rachel Getting Married on Saturday with my friend Chris. We both thought it was good but we weren't sure if we really liked it, I'm still not sure but I did enjoy watching it.
Sunday I hung out with my friend Jennifer. We ate thai food, not nearly as good as Rosies, walked around 5th Ave and then ate cake at Buttercup. It was a very fun girly day.
It snowed today and class was canceled, which was nice. The free time gave me a chance to do laundry and relax. I was kind of bummed out though because Mondays is the day I have reporting and now I'm going to be slightly lost when it comes time to do this weeks assignment. We're studying magazine writing this week which is interesting. One of the pieces we had to read was from The New Yorker. It is titled Betrayed by George Packer. Here's the link if you're interested:
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2007/03/26/070326fa_fact_packer
My mom comes to visit next week and then it's Spring Break. I can't believe how fast time is flying by.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Climate Change and other topics
Hey Everyone!
So my International Reporting class is connected to a website where our weekly assignments are going to be available to the public. My report on Climate Change is the feature report this week so please take a look if you're interested and continue checking it in the future for great work by my classmates and others.
http://www.bard.edu/bgia/bardpolitik/
So my International Reporting class is connected to a website where our weekly assignments are going to be available to the public. My report on Climate Change is the feature report this week so please take a look if you're interested and continue checking it in the future for great work by my classmates and others.
http://www.bard.edu/bgia/bardpolitik/
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Topsy Turvy Tuesday
I saw Lewis Black at the Y tonight. He was very funny and entertaining but of course.
It snowed today and as I walked to the subway from work, trying to avoid the fat flakes coming down, a taxi drove by, hit a puddle, and splashed the entire front of me. My mentor also informed me that she is leaving at the end of the month so I shall be following the orders of someone new shortly. Maisha is coming to visit this weekend and I'm totally stoked about it. I haven't seen her since May! Then next weekend Yuting is coming and we are going up to bard together! It's going to be so great. The city is growing on me.
It snowed today and as I walked to the subway from work, trying to avoid the fat flakes coming down, a taxi drove by, hit a puddle, and splashed the entire front of me. My mentor also informed me that she is leaving at the end of the month so I shall be following the orders of someone new shortly. Maisha is coming to visit this weekend and I'm totally stoked about it. I haven't seen her since May! Then next weekend Yuting is coming and we are going up to bard together! It's going to be so great. The city is growing on me.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Bard Politik Blog
So my International Affairs reporting class has a blog online and we all post entries as part of our weekly assignments. Here's the link http://bardpolitikdaily.blogspot.com/
Thursday, January 22, 2009
KARTOGRAPHY-kamila shamsie
"Shoulder blade curving back to meet another shoulder blade which curves forward to meet yours in a reminder that, if you had wings, this, right here, is where they would sprout... can angels lie spine to spine? If not, how they must envy us humans."
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
BGIA begins
Today was the first full day of real orientation. We heard the professors discuss their classes and I will be taking:
Core Seminar on International Affairs
The Architecture of International Affairs
Reporting on International Affairs
And of course my internship at NEF, which by the way I went there yesterday and the office is really nice and the people seem friendly. I think it's going to be a good semester :)
Also, I saw The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway tonight which was amazing. I really love that song...takes me back to Junior year and Prom haha. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes really is the best cover band ever.
Core Seminar on International Affairs
The Architecture of International Affairs
Reporting on International Affairs
And of course my internship at NEF, which by the way I went there yesterday and the office is really nice and the people seem friendly. I think it's going to be a good semester :)
Also, I saw The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway tonight which was amazing. I really love that song...takes me back to Junior year and Prom haha. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes really is the best cover band ever.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Something New
It's funny how much things can change, even in just one day. I feel as though I have been looking at my life in a detached way and I was recently brought face to face with it, with no option of just looking away. I was overwhelmed. Even though I may not have gotten the feeling of closure I desired, I think it's ok. I was frustrated and I thought I was fine but I wasn't so I was taken by surprise. But now, I think all of that emotion was sort of cleansing. Things are clearer now. And as I keep hearing, it's good to have a new start.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I still haven't read the "Satanic Verses"
The Moral Courage Conversations: Salman Rushdie and Irshad Manji.
I went to this lecture tonight and heard a few things that really moved me. Rushdie is extremely intelligent, he is witty and amuses his audience with jokes that are there to prove a point. He is articulate and combined with Irshad Manji's clever questions the night was overall very entertaining and interesting.
At one point Rushdie said that 'we are the story telling animal and there is something very important in telling ourselves the story of ourselves.' I like this idea because it's true, we examine ourselves and improve upon our society and our world. There is something immensely pleasurable about the gift of a story. I envy those who have the right words to reach into their reader and get the exact emotion they desired.
At the end of the lecture Manji said that before her book came out she asked Rushdie if she was crazy. And he told her that a book is more important than her life. He wasn't joking. His explanation was that when a writer puts down a thought, he can get intense, vehement and even violent disagreement but that thought can not be unthought. It has been put out there and can't be taken away. That is the gift of the writer. I think that's pretty amazing.
I went to this lecture tonight and heard a few things that really moved me. Rushdie is extremely intelligent, he is witty and amuses his audience with jokes that are there to prove a point. He is articulate and combined with Irshad Manji's clever questions the night was overall very entertaining and interesting.
At one point Rushdie said that 'we are the story telling animal and there is something very important in telling ourselves the story of ourselves.' I like this idea because it's true, we examine ourselves and improve upon our society and our world. There is something immensely pleasurable about the gift of a story. I envy those who have the right words to reach into their reader and get the exact emotion they desired.
At the end of the lecture Manji said that before her book came out she asked Rushdie if she was crazy. And he told her that a book is more important than her life. He wasn't joking. His explanation was that when a writer puts down a thought, he can get intense, vehement and even violent disagreement but that thought can not be unthought. It has been put out there and can't be taken away. That is the gift of the writer. I think that's pretty amazing.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Haule Haule
Thinking of you makes me smile these days...I don't think it's ever really been like this. Strange what age does huh? I know it ebbs and flows within me making it complex and not always satisfying but you never protest. I love how you told me to write, you tease...always...but you encourage me at the same time, pushing and prodding. You are probably the sweetest person I know. Comforting blue like the ring on my finger. Someday I will have a dog named Aloo Gobi and eat chapatis with ghee and sugar everyday for breakfast. Almond milk isn't as bad as I thought it would be, I like the chunky bits at the bottom. The bells on my wrist jingle, reminding me that Dil To Pagal Hai. Remember when that song came on the radio and we sang along? That scene is so hott when Shahrukh tells Madhuri to come closer until she spins and his lips brush her shoulder. Oh Bollywood seduction...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Comforting Blue
Lately I have been re-watching episodes of Sex and the City to get me excited about finally being here. I love the fact that I started watching the show when I was only ten, never realizing that I would someday be here, ten years later, understanding more and more of what a single 20 minute episode can mean.
I spent three hours at the four story Barnes and Noble in Union Square today. There's something nice about hopping on the subway and just going wherever you want to be all by yourself. But then, sometimes, late at night when you find yourself in bed with nothing but your thoughts of weeks ahead, the isolation suddenly isn't as comforting.
I'm not much of a city girl. I like trees and open sky where you can see every single star shining down at you. But at the same time, there is that point in the evening when the sky turns a deep blue, just before dark and I realize it's the same color no matter where you are. Another kind of comfort I guess. I know I can do this, I always adapt and survive. But maybe I really can live these next few months and be ok with the hustle and bustle, as long as that blue is there at the end of each day.
I spent three hours at the four story Barnes and Noble in Union Square today. There's something nice about hopping on the subway and just going wherever you want to be all by yourself. But then, sometimes, late at night when you find yourself in bed with nothing but your thoughts of weeks ahead, the isolation suddenly isn't as comforting.
I'm not much of a city girl. I like trees and open sky where you can see every single star shining down at you. But at the same time, there is that point in the evening when the sky turns a deep blue, just before dark and I realize it's the same color no matter where you are. Another kind of comfort I guess. I know I can do this, I always adapt and survive. But maybe I really can live these next few months and be ok with the hustle and bustle, as long as that blue is there at the end of each day.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
NYC
I don't think I'm ready for this. Starting over, once again. I'm tired of this life and the people that fill it endlessly stressing what I can and can't deal with. I keep seeing new signs that punch me in the stomach, knocking out my air, leaving me gasping for breath that can't cleanse the ache away. Why does this happen, over and over again. Endings. Beginnings. For some reason I just can't appreciate either one at the moment. I want to curl up in a ball and hum lullabies until I sing myself to sleep. I'm not afraid of the new, I can be nervous and curious and excited. But currently I am none of those things. I am just lonely. The stereotypical small town girl stuck in the big city.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Amar Prem
For so long you've always been there. It's funny how he went and then you appeared one day and you still haven't left. I worry that you will but you tell me that if I'm lonely you will come and if I need you then you will never fail to be my shoulder to lean on. Year after year and I still don't know you as well as I would like. In some ways we are like strangers, and yet from the first there was a recognition. Maybe you were there before and so you've come again. Will you be there next time as well?
I grow tired of foolish heartbreak and I wonder if things were simple, how simple they would be...for you...for me? I love your hands you know, gentle or harsh but beautiful. It's funny because she told him he had the most beautiful wrists she had ever seen, well you have beautiful wrists too. I could circle over that bumpy bone in an oval with my thumb and middle finger coming together in a complete whole.
I love to run my fingers through your hair, silky and sleek. Lay your head on my lap and we can sit for hours caring in silence. You once told me you would die sooner than I could stand, you can't because I need you. I know it's not much or often and it's unfair but if you are happy then I will be happy for you. You deserve it.
This time I thought about it because I've been wanting for a while. How perfect a heartbeat, with another lying quietly beneath.
But I am, as always, unsure. Maybe it will be and maybe it won't but I'm still so glad we have what we have.
I grow tired of foolish heartbreak and I wonder if things were simple, how simple they would be...for you...for me? I love your hands you know, gentle or harsh but beautiful. It's funny because she told him he had the most beautiful wrists she had ever seen, well you have beautiful wrists too. I could circle over that bumpy bone in an oval with my thumb and middle finger coming together in a complete whole.
I love to run my fingers through your hair, silky and sleek. Lay your head on my lap and we can sit for hours caring in silence. You once told me you would die sooner than I could stand, you can't because I need you. I know it's not much or often and it's unfair but if you are happy then I will be happy for you. You deserve it.
This time I thought about it because I've been wanting for a while. How perfect a heartbeat, with another lying quietly beneath.
But I am, as always, unsure. Maybe it will be and maybe it won't but I'm still so glad we have what we have.
Off to the Big City
Well I leave for new york tomorrow. My next step, I hope it's a good one. I feel like break has just flown by so fast and yet I'm still not ready for it all again. I think I'm getting to that point where you're tired of school which usually only happens to me at the end of the semester and then I get over it after about a month or so. This time that did not happen. Oh well, one more year and I'll be almost out of the bubble...scary thought but unavoidable. I just hope this is right. I want it all to help me find it but I'm scared I won't.
Friday, January 2, 2009
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