I just had orientation for the Summer program. I think it's going to be great! Everyone seems really nice and having friends already in the program makes it even better. Ahhh I can't believe how fast my "free" time went! My mama is coming tomorrow and we are going to the book convention and hanging out for the weekend. I think we're going to MOMA and there's a photo exhibit I want to see.
So much to do, so little time. I know it's gonna fly by. Senior year is already sucking up my air only to leave me gasping, breathless, terrified, and excited. What will I do? What will I be? A year from now I will have accomplished what now seems to be the impossible.
Well the next 8 weeks are going to be crazy and hopefully amazing. The city sure seems to be pulling me in, sometimes I wonder if I'll end up back here after I graduate.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Jumbled Pieces of Dreams
I've been having really strange dreams lately. It's like my entire life combined into random jumbled pieces in my mind. Last night I had a dream about a horse and a family owning a ranch but they were traveling merchants or something and it seemed very complicated and then A and his family was there, who knows why. The horse was like Onyx, big, black, and her coat was so shiny and clean. I miss her. I miss velvet noses and the smell of a barn and the smooth motion of a horse. It's been a long time. Well...someday.
Anyway I have today pretty free so I'm going to go explore a bit.
Anyway I have today pretty free so I'm going to go explore a bit.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Something to Remember
"Looking forward is good, but can make you fuck up now."
"They all have their dreams, but the necessity to be in the moment can distract from that."
- Linecook
"They all have their dreams, but the necessity to be in the moment can distract from that."
- Linecook
Cracks in Progress
I should feel happy and free right now but instead I feel weighed down and stuck. This summer will be good, I know it but right now I just don't have any enthusiasm. Maybe it's too much jumping from one thing to the next to the next. I don't think I should stay after my program ends. I think I should go home and have a break. Because senior year is going to kill me and if I don't have time I'm afraid I will break. This semester has been full of cracks and I'm hoping that the summer will mend them but if not, if things keep going the way they are I might break under it all. So I need to not think about it all anymore and just be free for a while and really feel that way. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it but hopefully I will feel that way soon.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Endings and Beginnings all over again
Well I finally had my IR exam and now it's over, thank goodness. Also saw Jaqueline Novogratz tonight, wasn't very impressed. And then we had a little graduation, I got a spiffy certificate and sushi and wine. All that's left is my IR essay and then I'm free for a few days. Next week my mom is coming and we get to go to the book convention, I'm excited! I need a haircut...
Life is good! The Semester is over. Summer here I come woohoo!
Life is good! The Semester is over. Summer here I come woohoo!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sadly I did not get to see Kate Voegele last night, I had too much work.
But I did get into my Novella class for next year! Senior year is going to be insane with the amount of work I'm going to be doing, but it's going to be the good kind rather than the bad.
Monday is my last day at NEF. I have an exam on Tuesday and one more essay for IR (eep!) and then I'm going to be freeeeee to explore the city for a few days, get lots of sleep, and prepare for the summer.
It's gone by so fast...
But I did get into my Novella class for next year! Senior year is going to be insane with the amount of work I'm going to be doing, but it's going to be the good kind rather than the bad.
Monday is my last day at NEF. I have an exam on Tuesday and one more essay for IR (eep!) and then I'm going to be freeeeee to explore the city for a few days, get lots of sleep, and prepare for the summer.
It's gone by so fast...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Sunday Musings
Finals are piling up but I don't really have the energy at the moment. It will get done, as always.
I feel like I have finally reached some conclusions lately. Well...kind of. At least I am aware of some of things I need to work on and I know it will all be ok. This summer should give me more in terms of what I'm doing and what I'm searching for. After all this time I feel like I might be truly ready to start over. Well...hopefully, I know I have a tendency to think that's true and then realize I was completely wrong. But maybe this time I'm right?
I'm excited about my class this summer, I think it's going to be amazing! Hopefully HRF won't be the same as NEF, I need some change but I think it will be fun working for them, they do seem pretty interesting and the people were really nice when I went for my interview. I have a final due on Thursday but there's a concert I really want to go to Wednesday night...choices choices.
I'm rereading one of my favorite series right now. I tend to turn to this trilogy at least once a semester when I need something familiar that sucks you in for a long period of time with adventure, romance, intrigue...it's pretty great. Jacqueline Carey is such an amazing writer, she has a new book coming out next month, I'm hoping that she will do a signing somewhere in the city so I can go, although I did see her at Lunacon last spring, which was really cool. Book signings are so much fun! That is definitely one of the things I'm going to miss next year, all the great author events.
Still waiting to hear on one more class and then my schedule will be finalized for the Fall. I go back and forth but I think Senior year should be pretty great, if not extremely stressful and intense. It's frightening to think I only have one more year before I have to start thinking about what I really want to do with my life...oh well, I have time.
I feel like I have finally reached some conclusions lately. Well...kind of. At least I am aware of some of things I need to work on and I know it will all be ok. This summer should give me more in terms of what I'm doing and what I'm searching for. After all this time I feel like I might be truly ready to start over. Well...hopefully, I know I have a tendency to think that's true and then realize I was completely wrong. But maybe this time I'm right?
I'm excited about my class this summer, I think it's going to be amazing! Hopefully HRF won't be the same as NEF, I need some change but I think it will be fun working for them, they do seem pretty interesting and the people were really nice when I went for my interview. I have a final due on Thursday but there's a concert I really want to go to Wednesday night...choices choices.
I'm rereading one of my favorite series right now. I tend to turn to this trilogy at least once a semester when I need something familiar that sucks you in for a long period of time with adventure, romance, intrigue...it's pretty great. Jacqueline Carey is such an amazing writer, she has a new book coming out next month, I'm hoping that she will do a signing somewhere in the city so I can go, although I did see her at Lunacon last spring, which was really cool. Book signings are so much fun! That is definitely one of the things I'm going to miss next year, all the great author events.
Still waiting to hear on one more class and then my schedule will be finalized for the Fall. I go back and forth but I think Senior year should be pretty great, if not extremely stressful and intense. It's frightening to think I only have one more year before I have to start thinking about what I really want to do with my life...oh well, I have time.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Little Dipper
I feel so frustrated and confused and irritated.
I'm fed up and tired and just ready for the semester to be over.
The year has been such a roller coaster so far but I'm bored and I feel like I'm on the up side waiting eagerly to reach the top to go swooping down, arms in the air, screaming my lungs out.
Figuring it out, thinking it through, so much left to do.
I'm fed up and tired and just ready for the semester to be over.
The year has been such a roller coaster so far but I'm bored and I feel like I'm on the up side waiting eagerly to reach the top to go swooping down, arms in the air, screaming my lungs out.
Figuring it out, thinking it through, so much left to do.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Searching
By Blackonyx
“So yesterday I was at this party, and all of the sudden this girl starts rubbing against me. She was hott so I let her grind on my dick for a while but damn, her skirt barely covered her fat ass. I could tell she was going to be an easy hook up.”
“Mark, you always let fat bitches rub against you because that’s all you ever get. And I really don’t want to hear about you getting laid, it’s nasty.”
“Whatever man, at least someone is on me. All you got is that lame ass wife who decided to stop sleeping with you the minute you married her.”
“I know. Man, how fucked was I to get married at 20.”
“I told you that you were making a mistake…”
“Fuck you.”
I can hear my brother, Mark and his friend Luke, through the thin wall that separates my room from his. I wonder when his life started to suck so much and I worry that I am following in his footsteps. I do not want to be him in five years. I’m in my last year of college and the world has suddenly started to loom over me, taunting me with my ignorance and laughing at my lack of understanding. Aren’t you supposed to have more confidence after four years of constantly taking in information? I used to think so…but now I’m not so sure.
My friend Lisa told me that it’s ok to be scared of the future. But in my family, it’s not ok to be afraid of anything. My dad told me the day my balls started to drop that being a man should be one of the most important things in my life. I’m not allowed to back down. I always have to fight for what I want. Women can’t be trusted. And if he ever sawing me crying he would beat the shit out of me again and again until pain would become the backdrop to my already pitiful life. I guess it’s nice to know he cares about the impression I make on people…or how my behavior reflects on him, probably the latter.
In high school I ran track. I remember the feeling of the wind against my face and the sound of my feet pounding against the ground and how great it felt to know that I could do something well. I loved flying past my opponents and knew they would never catch up. The burn in my legs propelled me forward and everything else just faded. Running probably saved my life during one of the most awkward transitions a teenage boy goes through. My friends were all doing their work and getting good grades. They were interested in politics and science and they couldn’t wait to explore the world. But I just wanted to keep on flying. I didn’t care about terrorism or engineering or seeing what else was out there. I was content, as long as I could run.
Junior year, my dad decided that running was for pussys and he told me to join the football team. I wasn’t too scrawny and the fact that I could run fast would be an asset for the team. I didn’t really have a choice so I tried out and became the quarterback. During the third quarter of the last game of my high school career one of the players from the other team hit my leg wrong in a tackle. My leg pretty much shattered from the impact and the fall. The way my life goes, of course that would happen.
My dad hasn’t spoken to me since my leg healed. He helped take care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself but he was ashamed that I had become a weakling who would never be able to use his leg to the same extent as before.
I still can’t run for very long. And the idea of getting even close to my previous speed is a total joke. My doctor was a piece of shit and screwed up when he operated and reset everything. Now I’m practically one of those crippled kids you see limping across the road slower than old people fuck.
My brother was great during my recovery though. He never went to college. After graduation he got a job at the paper mill in town and they paid him so well, he just decided to stick with it. He is still there, it’s been ten years and he’s still there. I don’t understand that. He’s so intelligent. In high school his English teacher told him he could really make it as a writer if he wanted. I don’t know how much you can trust that kind of thing, but the fact that she said that has to mean something. Instead Mark has dedicated his life so far to working and fucking. Girls in this town are putrid though. He’s run through them all.None of them have stuck. His friend Luke married his high school sweetheart. Pretty fucking stupid if you ask me. They’ve been together for four years and they have a two-year-old daughter. She’s adorable but Luke barely gets any time with her because his wife, Rachel, is a controlling bitch.
There’s not really that much to say about my old man. He’s a mechanic. He comes home everyday smelling like grease. He doesn’t talk much. He fought in Vietnam and definitely has that PTSD shit. My mom left right after I was born. I don’t really blame her. Mark told me that dad used to throw beer bottles at her head and beat her with his belt buckle. Sometimes he would think she was Vietnamese even though she was Latino. When that would happen he would take out his handgun and threaten to shoot her. Pretty messed up shit. Luckily Mark and I both have dicks so dad didn’t beat us too badly unless we really pissed him off. Nowadays when I come to visit he just ignores me.
My life is spiraling into nothing and I don’t know how to stop it. Mark, Luke, my dad, they don’t really matter but analyzing them instead of myself is comforting at times. I just want to be ok again. I haven’t felt free or happy or loved since I stopped running. There is a huge hole in my life, and I am just searching for the something or someone that can fill it.
“So yesterday I was at this party, and all of the sudden this girl starts rubbing against me. She was hott so I let her grind on my dick for a while but damn, her skirt barely covered her fat ass. I could tell she was going to be an easy hook up.”
“Mark, you always let fat bitches rub against you because that’s all you ever get. And I really don’t want to hear about you getting laid, it’s nasty.”
“Whatever man, at least someone is on me. All you got is that lame ass wife who decided to stop sleeping with you the minute you married her.”
“I know. Man, how fucked was I to get married at 20.”
“I told you that you were making a mistake…”
“Fuck you.”
I can hear my brother, Mark and his friend Luke, through the thin wall that separates my room from his. I wonder when his life started to suck so much and I worry that I am following in his footsteps. I do not want to be him in five years. I’m in my last year of college and the world has suddenly started to loom over me, taunting me with my ignorance and laughing at my lack of understanding. Aren’t you supposed to have more confidence after four years of constantly taking in information? I used to think so…but now I’m not so sure.
My friend Lisa told me that it’s ok to be scared of the future. But in my family, it’s not ok to be afraid of anything. My dad told me the day my balls started to drop that being a man should be one of the most important things in my life. I’m not allowed to back down. I always have to fight for what I want. Women can’t be trusted. And if he ever sawing me crying he would beat the shit out of me again and again until pain would become the backdrop to my already pitiful life. I guess it’s nice to know he cares about the impression I make on people…or how my behavior reflects on him, probably the latter.
In high school I ran track. I remember the feeling of the wind against my face and the sound of my feet pounding against the ground and how great it felt to know that I could do something well. I loved flying past my opponents and knew they would never catch up. The burn in my legs propelled me forward and everything else just faded. Running probably saved my life during one of the most awkward transitions a teenage boy goes through. My friends were all doing their work and getting good grades. They were interested in politics and science and they couldn’t wait to explore the world. But I just wanted to keep on flying. I didn’t care about terrorism or engineering or seeing what else was out there. I was content, as long as I could run.
Junior year, my dad decided that running was for pussys and he told me to join the football team. I wasn’t too scrawny and the fact that I could run fast would be an asset for the team. I didn’t really have a choice so I tried out and became the quarterback. During the third quarter of the last game of my high school career one of the players from the other team hit my leg wrong in a tackle. My leg pretty much shattered from the impact and the fall. The way my life goes, of course that would happen.
My dad hasn’t spoken to me since my leg healed. He helped take care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself but he was ashamed that I had become a weakling who would never be able to use his leg to the same extent as before.
I still can’t run for very long. And the idea of getting even close to my previous speed is a total joke. My doctor was a piece of shit and screwed up when he operated and reset everything. Now I’m practically one of those crippled kids you see limping across the road slower than old people fuck.
My brother was great during my recovery though. He never went to college. After graduation he got a job at the paper mill in town and they paid him so well, he just decided to stick with it. He is still there, it’s been ten years and he’s still there. I don’t understand that. He’s so intelligent. In high school his English teacher told him he could really make it as a writer if he wanted. I don’t know how much you can trust that kind of thing, but the fact that she said that has to mean something. Instead Mark has dedicated his life so far to working and fucking. Girls in this town are putrid though. He’s run through them all.None of them have stuck. His friend Luke married his high school sweetheart. Pretty fucking stupid if you ask me. They’ve been together for four years and they have a two-year-old daughter. She’s adorable but Luke barely gets any time with her because his wife, Rachel, is a controlling bitch.
There’s not really that much to say about my old man. He’s a mechanic. He comes home everyday smelling like grease. He doesn’t talk much. He fought in Vietnam and definitely has that PTSD shit. My mom left right after I was born. I don’t really blame her. Mark told me that dad used to throw beer bottles at her head and beat her with his belt buckle. Sometimes he would think she was Vietnamese even though she was Latino. When that would happen he would take out his handgun and threaten to shoot her. Pretty messed up shit. Luckily Mark and I both have dicks so dad didn’t beat us too badly unless we really pissed him off. Nowadays when I come to visit he just ignores me.
My life is spiraling into nothing and I don’t know how to stop it. Mark, Luke, my dad, they don’t really matter but analyzing them instead of myself is comforting at times. I just want to be ok again. I haven’t felt free or happy or loved since I stopped running. There is a huge hole in my life, and I am just searching for the something or someone that can fill it.
Cold Aloo
Just finished my Reporting on International Affairs final, eating cold Aloo Paratha. It's not as good here as it is in Pune, it kind of just looks like stuffed Naan. Spring fling went fairly well, could've been better, could've been worse. Two weeks left of Spring Semester. Two papers and an exam and I will be free for a week before Summer classes begin. Ugh it needs to stop raining and I need to get motivated for work.
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