For a while I was having a lot of trouble trying to explain why I need a bit of time and space to breathe after I finish my MA. I was afraid it sounded like I didn't want to work or didn't realize that I do need to get a job but I am perfectly aware of those things. I want to work, I don't want to stay in my hometown forever, I just am tired of constantly hopping from one place to another. I recently read a blog post about how this is part of what being in your twenties means, you go from place to place to find yourself, you experience pain and loss and love and laughter and these moments help you develop as a person. And I agree. But for a moment I'd like to get off the ride and take a rest before I vomit all over the other passengers.
After the love I experienced sophomore and junior year and the loss I experienced senior year of college I just kept on moving because I had to. I had to finish, I couldn't afford to stop and think about everything because it would have crushed me. But in a way I feel like everything has just kept building and the pressure is making it hard to breathe. So I just need time. My mom put it a good way, she said if I had asked to travel around Europe for a year after graduating college she would have had no problem with that. And for me that is a good comparison, because for me, traveling is my normal life so taking a break for a little while is my version of wanting to go off and explore the world, the difference is that I want to do it in one place.
I may even find a place in the middle of nowhere to just be. Because I think if I try hard enough, it will show me something important about myself, something I need to know.
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