Overwhelmed

Ahhhhhhhhh everything is happening all at once! Spring break was nice but coming back I'm just being clobbered with work. I realized that I needed to figure out what is happening for senior project next year and I emailed the head of the writing department since I want to do a creative senior project. She replied telling me to send her my proposal tomorrow because decisions are being made on WEDNESDAY! Good thing I found out, otherwise I would have been totally screwed. Also I am trying to figure out what's happening this summer, I really need to hear back from someone about internships. Hopefully something comes through sooner rather than later. And I have so much other work to do for my classes, it's insane. This week has sure started off with a bang...

Under Pressure

I've noticed that I have a tendency to push and push until my relationships with people break under the pressure. I try to get people to prove themselves to me over and over again. It is like I want to be right every time and it is a kind of satisfaction when I am. But secretly I'm hoping that this time, this one won't give in and it will last through everything. Like I said, drawn out until all that's left is shattered moments. I'm good at that, I know it will happen and I just have to be around to see when it does. I don't even know what I want but it is as though if someone else can know then I can make up my mind around that. It's silly, it's like a game and I always win but the prize isn't all that great. It's funny how things work out. I wonder what comes out of it all, what was the point? what was the purpose of it all? I guess I just need things to make sense. I like closure and clear endings. It's like a cleansing fire, burning out everything so that what grows next will be healthy and strong.

Scent and Memory

My mom got some of my grandmother's jewelry out of our safety deposit box today. We sorted through the rings and watches and bracelets remembering or in my case wondering about each piece. My mom gave me two of the rings to take back to college with me and as I brought my hands to my face I could smell her, even after all of these years. My grandmothers scent used to permeate everything around her, when she came to visit, the bottom floor of our house would reek of perfume and make-up in the best possible way. I loved it. Today I could smell her on my hands, face powder and Taboo teasing memories from my mind. I wish she could be here to see it all.

Spring Break '09

I had a conversation with someone from HRF this morning, she said she would send my CV and cover letters along to the respective departments so that sounds positive. I'm not sure when I will hear from CFR but hopefully I can go in for an interview sometime soon. This summer is going to be so great! I can already feel everything falling into place.

Yesterday I went and saw I love you, man with Rosie and Edith. It was really funny. We then made dinner at Rosie's house and watched She's the Man (so good). I also made Zucchini muffins, which I hadn't done before, they turned out pretty good.

I can't believe how fast spring break has flown by. I leave in two days back to the city. Then comes the onslaught of midterms and finals, ugh. It's so nice here, sunny and warm and beautiful. It still feels like home but it will be good to go back.

Quick Fix

I'm worried that I'm going to fall backwards. I worry he is unhappy and so he is missing me and turning to me like he always does. But once happiness returns I will lose him all over again. I'm afraid that he sees me as a quick fix but I know I'm not. We need to be happy on our own and maybe when that happens he won't want me anymore and then I will know it was right.

Control Freak

I actually had a nightmare last night. I woke up this morning sick and hurt and afraid. It wasn't a monster dream, just a representation of what could happen in my life. Rosie is right I am reliving the past too much, it's happening all over again and I know how this story ends so why am I hoping it will be different this time? I have no idea. Time heals though, or it's supposed to when incorporated properly. I think I've read the directions wrong and keep putting it all together so that it looks ok but is secretly missing a few screws. I need to control myself and focus because mistakes are definitely not moving this along. I just feel like I'm going in circles over and over again. I suppose that is my fault because I keep pushing the issue, I can't let it rest. My ongoing desire for closure always drags things out and then I end up without closure with a lot of shattered moments behind me. I know. I'm a real winner. I feel like all the pieces are starting to come together, there is a glimmer of it, of what could be and I like it. Everything fits except for one thing, the broken bit at the side that I think I can fix but would be better off if I just left it out altogether. What am I doing? I've been told I'm ignoring it...maybe I am but last week I felt good. I felt like I was really getting things to work for the first time in a long time. I hate how every time I feel that way lately, I'm wrong. Sometimes I wish I could be the way I used to be when all I had was myself. Sure it hurts but you get used to it and its nice to go home and read book after book and enjoy the imagined worlds of others. It is a comfort, a savior. Of course I am grateful for my friends, I love them all, each and every one. But sometimes it just hits me that all I have, and will ever truly have, is myself. I wrote a while back that I didn't think I had much love left in me. Maybe I'm afraid I won't be able to do this again? That's ridiculous though because I've come back from it all before, a couple of times actually, so I can. So maybe, I am just afraid. Ugh talk about emo...

आईटी इस अल्मोस्त स्प्रिंग ब्रेक!

"It is almost Spring Break!"

Last night I went to Molly Wizenberg's book signing for A Homemade Life. It was so great to hear her in person. She read the chapter "Summer of Change" and it was just really moving because in a way I definitely identified with her. Although her real "what am I doing with my life?" dilemma seemed to hit her later on and I seem to be experiencing that now but I can understand her being in Paris and being happy and lonely and unsure and being ok with that. Because that is how I feel except I happen to be in New York eating cheap food rather than in Paris eating beautiful food.

CFR called me to schedule a phone interview. It is tomorrow at 10am. I hope it goes well, it would be really great to finally know what I'm doing for the summer.

Mom and I leave for home tomorrow, I can't wait to get out of here for a bit.

[I don't know why my title is in Hindi but I can't seem to change it...]