Control Freak

I actually had a nightmare last night. I woke up this morning sick and hurt and afraid. It wasn't a monster dream, just a representation of what could happen in my life. Rosie is right I am reliving the past too much, it's happening all over again and I know how this story ends so why am I hoping it will be different this time? I have no idea. Time heals though, or it's supposed to when incorporated properly. I think I've read the directions wrong and keep putting it all together so that it looks ok but is secretly missing a few screws. I need to control myself and focus because mistakes are definitely not moving this along. I just feel like I'm going in circles over and over again. I suppose that is my fault because I keep pushing the issue, I can't let it rest. My ongoing desire for closure always drags things out and then I end up without closure with a lot of shattered moments behind me. I know. I'm a real winner. I feel like all the pieces are starting to come together, there is a glimmer of it, of what could be and I like it. Everything fits except for one thing, the broken bit at the side that I think I can fix but would be better off if I just left it out altogether. What am I doing? I've been told I'm ignoring it...maybe I am but last week I felt good. I felt like I was really getting things to work for the first time in a long time. I hate how every time I feel that way lately, I'm wrong. Sometimes I wish I could be the way I used to be when all I had was myself. Sure it hurts but you get used to it and its nice to go home and read book after book and enjoy the imagined worlds of others. It is a comfort, a savior. Of course I am grateful for my friends, I love them all, each and every one. But sometimes it just hits me that all I have, and will ever truly have, is myself. I wrote a while back that I didn't think I had much love left in me. Maybe I'm afraid I won't be able to do this again? That's ridiculous though because I've come back from it all before, a couple of times actually, so I can. So maybe, I am just afraid. Ugh talk about emo...